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Writing task 1 : fast food consumption by income groups

Hammy 13 / 35  
Apr 3, 2019   #1
please help me get pass score in ielts test by giving your comments bellow!

fast food consumption statistics - uk

We can see how many pence people use for fast food by the bar chart and how fast food is used by the line chart.

Overall, people with different salary seem to choose the most hamburgers, especially high income group. Besides, during 2 decades, trend of using Hamburgers increase compared with Fish and Chips, Pizza.

At the bar chart, people with high salary spend more than 40 pence for Hamburgers per week while amount of Fish and Chips, Pizza chosen just reach approximately 20 pence. With medium salary, they consume the most Hamburgers but Fish and Chips consumption is also the largest in all of income groups. With people have poor life standards, all kinds of fast food are used with under 20 pence.

At the line chart, from 1970 to about 1982, Fish and Chips were always top of fast food but after that, they even become the lowest position with over 200 grammes in 1990. Hamburgers started at under 100 grammes in 1970 and then rocketed significantly to over 500 grammes which was the lead in 1990. Besides, Pizza had stable-increasing speed.

Thanks for reading

Maria - / 1,099 389  
Apr 3, 2019   #2
Next time, I suggest that you include in your post the graph/chart to make the feedback more specific and helpful. Thank you.
First and foremost, I would suggest merging that introductory sentence into the paragraph below it. It appears out of place in its current placement - and does not pave way for a structured narrative that will strengthen your essay.

Watch out for the words that you capitalize.For instance, names of food are notsupposed to be capitalized for they're not proper nouns. I suggest finding a grammar-focused learning book to boost your skills in determining these things. Once you get a hold of it, you'll be able to organically notice these small mistakes because they're easy to spot.

You also have a tendency to create run-on sentences or those phrases which are simply dragging and do not contribute much to the essay.
We can, for instance, revise your third paragraph's first sentence as:
The bar chart shows how people with higher salaries spend more than 40 pence for hamburgers in a span of one week. Meanwhile, the amount of fish and chips and pizzas are only chosen at approximately 20 pence.

You can practice all these suggestions and apply them to the rest of the essay. Best of luck.
OP Hammy 13 / 35  
Apr 3, 2019   #3
i'm so sorry... i prepared but i didn't understand why i forget attaching to this essay
thanks for your detailed suggests, i will try to write better at next time

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