Fish and meats consumption - Preparing to take IELTS for school requirement - Task 1 essay

First time posting my essay here to request your suggestion, error correction and idea to improve my writing.Thank you, everyone.

consumption of fish and meats in an european country

The line graph compares an European country's consumption rates of fish and different variety of meats from 1979 to 2004.

First of all, in 1979 the beef consumers trend was leading at the top with over 200g weekly although there was a short fall later. However, 230g of chickens were being consumed constantly during 10-year period before the market was deteriorated with 100g per person per week by 2004.

In 1979 there was an opposite trend between chicken and lamb consumers, despite same initials with 150g each. The market of chicken purchase was dramatically increased whilst lamb trend showed downward, with 250g and almost 50g respectively, in early twentieth century.

Lastly, only 60 grams of fish was weekly selected by minority of people in late nineteenth century and continued with same proportion throughout the period.
Overall, it can clearly be seen that only chicken trend showed upwards compared to beef and lamb demand, and the fish was standing at lowest consumption over the years.

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Your paraphrase sentence is not good enough. You can either rearrange the question or use synonyms or both. I think it is best for you to use both methods. that you first rearrange the question before applying synonyms in the sentence. please make sure the overall meaning of the question is the same please.

After that an overview paragraph, the overview is the summary of all that have happened in the graph. write your overview paragraph in three to four sentences. and please remember ALWAYS start the overview with the word "OVERALL" don't forget please.

After that, you are to write of the essay.
The body contain 3-4 paragraphs, talking about the changes in each line now in details.
Thank you

Krystal, your prompt overview is the weakest part of your presentation. It had a good start but ended up being incomplete in presentation because it does not provide all of the summarized points of interest required for the analytical discussion. What is missing from your presentation are the following:

1. The types of meat for comparison (chicken, beef, lamb, fish)
2. measurement type (grams per week)
3. Trending statement

Do not start the trending statement with the word "overall" as that is a memorized word that indicates a lack of lexical resource of English vocabulary when it comes to synonyms. You can instead say:

1. The graph indicates...
2. The measurements depict...
3. The indicative standards represent...

Or any variation thereof. Showing off your ability to write the same meaning in a different way is more helpful to your score than using memorized words, phrases, or sentences.

Now, about your possible C&C score, you are severely limiting yourself by presenting 2 run on sentences per paragraph. The best scoring Task 1 essays always have at least 3 sentences per paragraph in a task 1 essay. Each paragraph covers a specific discussion for each graph indication (one for fish, one for beef, etc. )

You lack a comparison point discussion as instructed in the prompt. Beef and Chicken overlap in the line graph so that is a comparative discussion point that should be analyzed in the presentation.

@Holt
Thank you. I have noted your suggestion and will redo it again in next essay to get better result.

@Duzaho
Thank you and well noted your advice.