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The fitness membership between men and women from 1970 to 2000

amrillahmk 29 / 47 6  
Nov 8, 2016   #1
The fitness membership of the women and men, measured by the number of the people participated each five years over 30-year period, is presented in the bar chart. Overall, from 1970 and 1980 the sum of the men always dominated women. Conversely, during 1985 until 2000 the women fitness membership surpassed men, except in 1995. The most significant fact to emerge is that the men in 1975 and 1995 led by far than women.

Initially, the women's membership stood at 1,000 people while the men doubled the amount of women, which hit just above 2,000 people. In the following 5 years, same trends happened again, in which the membership of the men kept twice higher than women. Although both women and men experienced a decrease in 1980, but the men's membership still exceeded the women.

Moving to more detailed analysis, the pattern in which the men always dominated the women in fitness membership saw changes. In 1985, the sum of the women led than men for the first time, which reached at around 2,800 and 1,800 respectively. Subsequently, although the gap between the men and women became closer in 1990, but a dramatic rise was shown by the men to hit a high of 5000 people in 1995. Finally, the number of the women fitness membership took over the men to end at 2000 people while the men solely hit 1000 people in the last period shown.

festivo 2 / 4  
Nov 9, 2016   #2
you are giving a bit more information in your introduction, and also you have not given the data of 1975 in your writing. Overall it is good.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Nov 17, 2016   #3
Amril, are you really sure that this essay was created in less or approximately 20 minutes? This essay has too many words I guess. Your job is only to summarize the information, and not to elaborate the information. Some people might prefer to write task 2 first because it has bigger score proportion than task 1. Thus, if possible, this essay should be done in less than 20 minutes.

Stating "Overall" has indicated that you address the reader/examiner to read/check your "overview", but why did you mention it twice by saying this "The most significant fact to emerge is that"? It would be redundant, and again, it can lead to an unclear overview which is only worth 5. You need to bear in your mind that 3 sentences minimum is already adequate to cover all the necessary information that should be presented or summarized.

Let me give you a hint by simplifying your intro:

A breakdown of the information about fitness membership for both men and women from 1970 to 2000 is depicted in the bar chart. It is measured in the number of people in every five year. Overall, the most significant fact to emerge is that, men dominated women in the whole period, except in the middle and in the end of the period.

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