Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 8

Florida. Someone correct for me this paragraph, i want to know the mistakes i had made.


Atchane 2 / 5  
Jun 16, 2016   #1
Florida is a famous city and a beautiful place for visitors. First, it has many places, such as the sea, a lot of people went to the beach in the summer to have fun. A feature of the beach is that there are magical things, for instance, food, music, and a lot of games made in the sand. Second, it has a big annual festival, every year come lots of people around the world to attend that big event. Third, Florida has a great location between Orlando and Miami. Which has health weather, "it is not bad", also site among the seas. All these things make Florida looks magical and the most beautiful place for people to travel to.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 16, 2016   #2
HI atchane, I think that for next time you can post this type of essay in 'writing feedback' category. However, with regards to your essay, you can see the detailed corrections below:

- Florida is a famous city and a beautiful place for visitors/tourists . (possible word choice)
- First, it has many tourism places, such as thebeach and sea. (period)This makes a lot of people wentvisitto the beach in the summer to have fun.

- A feature of the beach is that there are magical thingsBeach in Florida contains many magical entertainment facilities , for instance, delicious food, contemporary music, and a lot of games madeplayedinon the sand.

- Second, it has a bighuge annual festival. (period) Every year, come lots of people from around the world to attend that big event.
- Third, Florida has a great locationis strategically located between Orlando and Miami.
- WhichIt has health weather, "it is not bad",ideal tropical weather for tourists and also site among the seas.
- All these thingsThese are all the things that make Florida looks magical and become the most beautiful place for people to travel to.

I hope you find this is helpful towards your paragraph development. Good luck in revising it :)
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 16, 2016   #3
Hi Achraf, first of all you say, - Can someone help me correct the paragraphs below, I want to know where I made mistakes, thank you.

Instead of the one you wrote above, I know you agree that this is far better than the original one you wrote.

Now, going back to your essay, below is a little help.

-First, itIt has manya lot of places to see ,
- such as the seabeach ,
- a lot of people wentgoes to the
- A feature of tT he beach
- is that there arewhere magical things happen ,
- for instance,it's a gathering for food, music,
- and a lot of games made in the sand.
- Second, it hasFlorida holdsa big annual festival, - every year come lots, a lot of people
- around the world to attend thatthis big event. - Third,Furthermore, Florida has a
- Miami. Whichwhich has healthier weather,
- "it is not bad", also site among the seas.- I'm not sure what you want to say in this particular phrase

- All these things make Florida looks magical
- and be one of the most beautiful

There you it Achraf, as you can see there's a lot of confusing sentences in your essay, the good news is, there's nothing that you cannot learn.
OP Atchane 2 / 5  
Jun 16, 2016   #4
Thank you so much, It was really helpful, all that you had said are helpful. (y)
OP Atchane 2 / 5  
Jun 16, 2016   #5
Thank you so much, my friend, It's really helpful.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 21, 2016   #6
Hi Achraf, it's very good to read words of appreciation once we log in to our EF accounts. There's nothing more than knowing that we are able to help and our suggestions are valuable and even more so, useful in your revision and in your future writing projects.

What I noticed in your essay is that, you have that idea in your head and somehow, this idea has not transpired in your essay or writing project, you see, writing is not as easy as what most people think it is, you really have to dedicate time, learn the different writing techniques and different approach to each task thrown at you.

Furthermore, for your future writing reference, make sure that you review the guidelines of English language writing, know how to answer the prompt and stick to the purpose of the project, sometimes, a writer is so immersed in his writing that they tend to go around the bush and this results to redundant ideas and words that is not only confusing but also not interesting to the readers. Moving forward, I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects very soon.
OP Atchane 2 / 5  
Jun 21, 2016   #7
Thank you justivy for advices (y)
souhail123 1 / 3  
Jun 22, 2016   #8
Hi Achraf, it's good essay
"it is not bad", also site among the seas. try this sentence Florida situate among seas


Home / Writing Feedback / Florida. Someone correct for me this paragraph, i want to know the mistakes i had made.