IELTS - Freedom in showing creation is the right for every creative artist

Dear all, please give me more and more suggestion, to help me improve my skill in writing.
best regards

Creative artists should be given the freedom to express their own ideas in whichever they wish. However, there are should be restrictions on what they do. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Freedom in showing creation is the right for every creative artist. Certainly, government has to control it. Personally, I agree with this opinion because the government have right to manage their people.

However, sometimes, the government pressed the media and artist too much. Moreover, they try to shut them up. This is usually, done by politicians that stand in main position. This obligation is taken to cover the bad attitude that they do behind the scene. This can be included to violation in giving opinion. This will cause skepticism in politics. If this happens, people in a country will not be aware to their country situation.

In other hands, a freedom without limitation is very dangerous. This can cause some crime activities. One example is when a few of comedians-In indonesia, today, make some satire jokes that address to corrupt person, sometimes, they talk too much. Furthermore, they judge the person that relate to corruption cases, whereas the case is still running in the court and still does not proven yet. If this happens, the comedian can be demanded for defamation case. Here, the role of government is needed to do surveillance and make restrictions in expressing idea. For all people know, the rule is made to limit the person's right, so that his right will never hurt another's right. Then, everybody can live in peaceful life.

In conclusion, limitation idea is useful to shape good situation. But, the limitation is has to be made in good proportion. Therefore, everyone (including artist) can express his feeling without break another one's right.

First, I want to request you to have a meaningful title for your essay in the Subject field when you open a new thread. It is the forum rule and it also helps you more feedbacks :)

This title has been attended by us.


.... this sentence has grammar and clarity issues. You need to pay lots of attention to these aspects because there is no point in writing if your ideas do not get across to the reader.

i am sorry, i cannot catch what you mean

Ok, first have a meaningful title for you essay (this title was attended by us)


...this is a confusing statement. Is this what you wanted to say;
Freedom of expression is highly valued in any democratic society.


Therefore, the governments should abstain from controlling freedom of the artists as they need that liberty for their artistic creations.

thanks for your advice.However, I think it will be better if I involve word "artist" to the first sentence, to make it coherence with the second sentence. What do you think about it?

Even having the first line as it is you can quickly take a good entrance to the background of your topic;
Freedom of expression is highly valued in any democratic society. This is the reason why it is believed that artists should be given the total freedom to express their feelings and beliefs through their creative works. However, some people view that there should be certain restrictions on what the artists create.

It is nicer if you could construct this paragraph with this pattern below:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)