A gap year might bring both benefits and severe detrimental effect to students - IELTS essay

Please help me check grammar in this essay and give me some feedbacks. Thank you so much.

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or to travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this

In the 21st century, in several nations, most of the students graduating from high schools are motivated to spend a year on seeking a job or taking a trip before they begin a new life at universities. This raises a certain question about whether this trend brings benefits or drawbacks to the juniors. A number of advantages and disadvantages will be analyzed.

Firstly, students can recharge their power. Students suffer numerous pressures, worries and even stresses during the twelve years of studying. For that reason, one year is the appropriate amount of time for them to take a long holiday in order to refresh their mind before continuing getting new knowledge from universities. Additionally, young people can make use of such a gap year to master vital skills. In other words, teamwork, presentation and soft skills are very important for students at universities. Hence, to learn these essential skills, applying for a job at offices is an effective way. Since the environment of the offices will provide youngsters a big chance to work with people from different backgrounds as well as obtain real experience for their chosen major at the universities.

Despite these attractions, however, some drawbacks do exist. Young people might forget important knowledge. In other words, one year is a huge amount of time and if students do not review knowledge during that time, it is every difficult for them to remember that knowledge. Thus, they should use their foundation obtained from high schools to continue starting at universities. Another drawback is that work or travel in one year is time-consuming. Students are very difficult to seek a job with high salaries because the qualification of high school is at a low level in comparison with a university graduate's diploma. Consequently, after graduating from high schools, they should make education a priority.

In conclusion, a gap year might bring both benefits and severe detrimental effect to students. Given that students can use a gap year to take a break and improve necessary skills, but also they will fail to recall their knowledge as well as waste their time to find jobs with low salaries.

(358 words)

This sentence above is quite long. One interesting thing about language is that when we're learning it we want to master it so that we can type long, complicated sentences -- but then we discover that shorter sentences are better. That's why Yoda uses short sentences. : ) So I truly think you will always have better outcomes when you keep sentences a bit shorter and simpler. They impact the reader's mind more, because they are easier to decipher.

At the end of the first paragraph, I think you should add one sentence that succinctly expresses the main idea you are expressing in the essay. Give a sentence that expresses the most important message of the essay.

You don't have many mistakes, but you can improve the style here with number agreement:

applying for a job at an office is an effective way.

Here is some advice about the word 'since":
Since The environment of the offices office will provide youngsters a big chance to work with people from different backgrounds as well as obtain real experience for their chosen major at the universities. --- When you use the word 'since' this way, it must be in the middle of a sentence.

Example: Office jobs offer learning experiences, since many professionals work together.
It is better to use 'because': Office jobs offer learning experiences, because many professionals work together.
If you start a sentence with 'since' or 'because', it must be like this: Since I work in an office, I learn a lot.
Because is better: Because I work in an office, I learn a lot.
The word 'since' more correctly refers to something about time: I have learned a lot since I started my office job.
Or: Apple has never been the same since Steve Jobs passed away.

Despite these attractions, however, some drawbacks do exist. --- Great sentence. Also, it's smart that you acknowledged the opposite argument.

The highlight sentence shows a generic phrase. This is not good for your performance when it comes to the real test, since the phrase can be categorized as memorized language. Likewise, this brings no value.


Let me give a try for this intro;
Teenagers are the nation's asset. As such, it is suggested that school leavers should take some work or go travelling, prior to attending a campus life. While the idea is utterly true, since this way helps them gain more successful experience, such as building tolerance and respect for cultural differences and conducting gap-year business, I would argue that stepping off the academic treadmill after high school would send them away from a formal education, resulting in poor academic performances and in wasting-time projects.

Hope this helps., eddy suaib.