Getting promotions is one of the biggest motivators for hard work in the modern workplace.

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IELTS Writing Task 2 - Type : Opinion

Topic
Getting promotions is one of the biggest motivators for hard work in the modern workplace.
Why are people so driven to receive promotions?
What other factors motivate people to work hard?

My essay

Managers have a strong desire to improve their employees' productivity, and giving advancement opportunities is regarded as one of the best ways of achieving this. There seem to be two main causes involved and a range of equally pressing elements with promotion

One driving force behind workers' effort is the need to sustain their livelihood. As the cost of expenditure is upsurging, promotion can be such a promising source of income that people can satisfy their needs without falling into a financial crisis. This in turn would aid them to guarantee a better life. Greater social status can be another factor which drives people towards job promotions. With the change to a higher position in the organization, the society's respect towards a person can be positively enhanced.

Besides promotion, setting realistic targets can exert a remarkable influence on work effort. Supervisors may encounter difficulties in assessing and monitoring productivity without an objective in mind. Therefore, clear goals can give a reference point and make it easier to keep staff on an united track . Furthermore, people also work hard in order to broaden their knowledge just from the implementation of several simple projects in the workplace, which supplements them with a strong foundation for their future career.

To conclude, some people are working with their greatest enthusiasm in the hope of getting promoted. However, there are many other factors having the same influence on work ethic as well.

In my opinion your supporting ideas are connected. however it is less than 250 words which can lower your band score. one tip I have learned to lengthen my idea is saying about the opposite point. for instance, what would happen if employees worked hard but not get any promotion

Hopefully it help!

Always break down the original prompt before you write your paraphrase. Make sure that you do not use information in your paraphrase that changes any part of the original presentation. Your essay changes the factors for consideration from promotions, hard work, and modern workplace to manger, employees productivity, advancement opportunities. Note the difference in discussion points from the original topic sentence to yours. This changed the theme of the discussion, making your topic inaccurate at that point. You are no longer on point with your discussion presentation. Then your discussion topics changed from why people are driven to receive promotions and factors that motivate people to work hard to 2 causes involved (in what?) and equally pressing elements ( for a promotion?) You do not seem to understand the original discussion presentation and information requirements for your reasoning paragraph. Your paraphrase is way off base.

It would have been better if you had used a topic sentence in the second paragraph instead of saying "besides promotion" because the promotion discussion was a significant part of the discussion presentation of this essay. Always start the next paragraph with a topic sentence instead. That will help create a more applicable presentation instead of negating the previous discussion topic.