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The globalisation may drive people away from their cultural identity like respecting older people


Stacy Handayani 29 / 16 19  
May 27, 2015   #1
As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon know as globalisation. Some people fear that globalisation will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.


Communication and transport play a vital role in human's life. As the advancement of mass communication and transport grow significantly, some people believe that this lead societies to follow globalisation that will drive people away from their cultural identity like respecting older people. However, I would argue that this globalisation will get us lost our cultural identity as it changes the way people to communicate with other people.

Communication's growing change the way people to communicate with each other. Take mobile phone as an example, base on my experience in the past, teenager were likely to ask their parents first if they wanted to go to somewhere. However, nowadays, when teenagers have their own mobile phone, they are more likely to go without permission. If they have intention to go to a place, they eventually travel and ask their parents later using a mobile phone. So, whether parents tend to permit or not, they are forced to give permission as their teenage-childrens already on the way. Therefore, teenagers habbit to respect their parents already gone.

On the other hand, the sophiscated transportation like a car also drive people to neglect their societies. As I and my sister grew up, my parents decided to buy a car since it was needed to drive us to school in every condition. However, this trend led us to neglect our friends since we went to school and went back home by car. At the first time, it was enjoyable to go back home with friends and cheer up together, but since there was a car, we preferred to use car as it was connvenience. As a consequence, our social life was abandoned. Therefore, the advancement of transport led us to have poor quality of social communication.

In conclusion, although some improvements on mass communication and transport bring convenience to human life, I would argue that people should not forget their cultural identity. Therefore, it is imperative for people to preserve their ancient habit so as to have a good social life and attitude.

romasalah 3 / 6 2  
May 27, 2015   #2
Hello stacy,
I like how you structured your essay and how clear are your ideas. I haven't noticed any grammatical error in your writing as well. Here are some recommendations. I hope you find them useful.

believe that this lead societies to follow globalisation that will drive people away from their cultural identity like respecting older people.

I think using "follow globalization is a weak expression" u may say "believe that globalization will affect societies by driving people away" . Also, respecting the elders is not a cultural identity. You should specify something that is unique to a culture or just make a more general example of any cultural identity e.g. language or traditions. For example, "believe that globalization will affect societies by driving people away from their cultural identities like language or traditions"

-However, I would argue that this globalisation u don't need "this" as there isn't different kinds of globalization.

-will get us lost our cultural identity lost is an adjective not a verb. You may change it to "will make us lose our...." or "will make our identity (get) lost". However, I think u should choose a verb other than "lose"

-Communication's growing change(s) the way people to communicate with each other

- base(d) on my experience

-Take mobile phone(s) as an example, base on my experience in the past, I think this is a long introduction in the sentence.

-whether parents tend to permit or not. "want" is more appropriate

-Therefore, teenagers(')habit to respect their parents has already gone. For the semantic purpose, the observation that is present in the last sentence of the paragraph is not a result of the example you wrote in the previous sentence. It's actually your explanation. So you shouldn't write "therefore" in the last sentence.

-the sophisticated transportation like a car(s) are cars a sophisticated transportation?

- to use the car as it was convenienceconvenient

-I would argue that people should not forget their cultural identity. It's an advice or a recommendation not an argument. you can also use the verb "argue" but you will have to say "I would argue people".

-preserve their ancient habit . you can use a stronger word than habit
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 10, 2015   #3
- Communication and transporttransportation play a vital role in human's life.

- As the advancement of mass communication and transport grow significantly, some people believe that this lead societies to follow globalisationglobalization that will drive people away from their cultural identity like respecting older people.

- However, I would argue that this globalisationglobalization will get us lost from our cultural identity as it changes the way people to communicate with other people.each other.

- Communication's growinggrowth change the way people to communicate with each other.

- Take mobile phone as an example, base on my experience in the past, teenager were likely to ask their parents first if they wanted to go to somewhere.

- However(the word "however" has been used in the first paragraph, try to use a different word or omit if it's not necessary) , Nowadays, when teenagers have their own mobile phone, they are more likely to go without permission.

Stacy, I made a few minor corrections on your essay, please mind the following as well;

- spelling mistakes, I cited some spelling mistakes, this is why your spell check in the computer should always be turned on all the time

- your linking verb should be observed as well as this will make an entire sentence come and make sense

- proof read all the time

Overall, your essay is good, read more to enhance your vocabulary.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!
chuoi9 3 / 8 3  
Jun 10, 2015   #4
Hi Stacy, I am a beginner. And below are my recommendations.

Paragraph 1:
Communication and transporttransportation play a vital role in human's lifehuman life
As the advancement of mass communication and transportationgrowis growing significantly

Paragraph 2:
teenager(s) were likely to ask their parents first
they are more likely to go without their parents' permission
their teenage-childrensteenager children already on the way
teenagers habbit to respect their parents already gone --> The custom of respecting the elders disappeared

Paragraph 3:
However, this trendchange led us to neglect our friends
it was enjoyableWe went back home with friends
but since having a car, we preferred to use our car as it was connvenienceconvenient

I hope that my recommendations will be useful for you.


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