I like how you structured your essay and how clear are your ideas. I haven't noticed any grammatical error in your writing as well. Here are some recommendations. I hope you find them useful.
believe that this lead societies to follow globalisation that will drive people away from their cultural identity like respecting older people.
I think using "follow globalization is a weak expression" u may say "believe that globalization will affect societies by driving people away"
. Also, respecting the elders is not a cultural identity. You should specify something that is unique to a culture or just make a more general example of any cultural identity e.g. language or traditions. For example, "believe that globalization will affect societies by driving people away from their cultural identities like language or traditions"
-However, I would argue that
globalisation u don't need "this" as there isn't different kinds of globalization.
-will get us lost our cultural identity
lost is an adjective not a verb. You may change it to "will make us lose our...." or "will make our identity (get) lost". However, I think u should choose a verb other than "lose"
-Communication's growing change(s)
the way people
communicate with each other
on my experience
-Take mobile phone(s)
as an example, base on my experience in the past, I think this is a long introduction in the sentence.
-whether parents tend
to permit or not. "want"
is more appropriate
to respect their parents has
already gone. For the semantic purpose, the observation that is present in the last sentence of the paragraph is not a result of the example you wrote in the previous sentence. It's actually your explanation. So you shouldn't write "therefore" in the last sentence.
-the sophisticated transportation like
are cars a sophisticated transportation?
- to use the
car as it was
-I would argue
that people should not forget their cultural identity. It's an advice or a recommendation not an argument. you can also use the verb "argue" but you will have to say "I would argue people".
-preserve their ancient habit
. you can use a stronger word than habit