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Globalization leads to cultures identity loss?


hungvud 19 / 30 6  
Jun 6, 2012   #1
Please help to review my essay. Thank you guys so much in advance...

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


There is no doubt that globalization is an issue which frequently generates a great deal of heated debate, with opponents claim that globalization can lead to total loss of cultural identity, whilst supporters remaining that it is not true. The arguments surrounding such issue will hence be discussed in this essay.

Upon initial examinations, it cannot be denied that globalization is making countries in the world we live in closer than ever before. As a general rule, people around the world, in some ways, are becoming more and more similar. For example, we often eat the same food, watch the same TV shows, listen to the same types of music and we wear the same clothes. Beside, it is not difficult to find that many cities in Western countries are decorated during Lunar New Year as well as people in Asian countries are celebrating on Halloween or Thanksgiving days. As a consequence, it seems that societies are becoming alike and the uniqueness of every culture is dying.

On the other hand, advocators of globalization generally base their arguments on the essence of culture identity. The foundation of culture identity is shared values. For instance, in Eastern countries, living close to your parents and taking care of them when they turning old are considered very important, even when you are mature enough and have your own family. In contrast, in Western societies, people after the age of 18 are encouraged to move out by their own parents. Being independent is considered a great value. Another example is that, regardless of how well the world be globalized; most of Asian people still prefer chopsticks and spoons to forks and knives.

In conclusion, I totally disagree with the argument that cultures identity can be inevitably lost due to globalization. In my opinion, the identity of every culture is immortal and exists independently with globalization

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 6, 2012   #2
lead to total loss of cultural identity,

Do not copy the topic, you should reword it. In addition, the term "lead to" was repeated two times in one row. Try to use other terms such as "steer to", "contribute to", etc.

The arguments surrounding such issue will hence be discussed in this essay.

I would like to draw your attention to the last part of the topic : "To what extend do you agree or disagree"
This topic is an "agree or disagree" type. You should state that you agree with the topic or not. Then in the body you should support your opinion (agree or disagree) through three paragraphs. At the boy, you discussed two opposite viewpoints. This is very wrong!!!!!!. The topic did not ask you to discuss two viewpoints, but it asked your own opinion.

The structure of this type of topic should be like what I wrote below:
1) Introduction (Motivator, Reword topic, State your opinion. Not: You should choose one, either agree or disagree. Do no do both as you are not going to discuss or compare two views. )

2) Body (Three paragraphs. In each paragraph try to write about an idea which shows why you agree or disagree with the topic)

3) conclusion: (Restate the topic or introduction, and then write an ending statement called "clincher")

I did not read the rest of the essay, because you should completely change the structure of the essay. Be careful about the true organization of different types of topics.

Regards
Ahmad
OP hungvud 19 / 30 6  
Jun 7, 2012   #3
ah_zafari
Thanks for your comments. I agree that your given template is totally fine. However if you go through my essay from the beginning to the end, you may find my logic. I think it also make sense to write in my way.

Regards,
Hung
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 7, 2012   #4
Hi,

My name is Ahmad. Please feel free call me Ahmad :)
If you want to be successful in the test, you should pay more attention to the organization of an essay. This issue is even more important than vocabulary or grammar. What I told you was the thing that I learned from my perfect teacher, who was a native English speaker, and my sister, who is an expert in this field. Any way, you should decide to choose a way for writing an essay, your style or what I told you.

Good luck
Ahmad
ashaban - / 1  
Jun 8, 2012   #5
initially i would want you to know that you have done tremendous work which resulted to this well written essay.
my own opinion is you do not need to address your statement at the beginning of your essay considering this topic is an agree or disagree discourse, from my point of view the structure of an essay is just a typical criterion of how an essay should be written as well treated. it is not a requisite to follow specific and precise steps of writing your essay.

questions to be asked, what is Globalization. identification of culture identity ,


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