lead to total loss of cultural identity,
Do not copy the topic, you should reword it. In addition, the term "lead to" was repeated two times in one row. Try to use other terms such as "steer to", "contribute to", etc.
The arguments surrounding such issue will hence be discussed in this essay.
I would like to draw your attention to the last part of the topic : "To what extend do you agree or disagree
This topic is an "agree or disagree" type. You should state that you agree with the topic or not. Then in the body you should support your opinion (agree or disagree) through three paragraphs. At the boy, you discussed two opposite viewpoints. This is very wrong!!!!!!. The topic did not ask you to discuss two viewpoints, but it asked your own opinion.The structure of this type of topic should be like what I wrote below:
1) Introduction (Motivator, Reword topic, State your opinion. Not:
You should choose one, either agree or disagree. Do no do both as you are not going to discuss or compare two views. )
2) Body (Three paragraphs. In each paragraph try to write about an idea which shows why you agree or disagree with the topic)
3) conclusion: (Restate the topic or introduction, and then write an ending statement called "clincher")
I did not read the rest of the essay, because you should completely change the structure of the essay. Be careful about the true organization of different types of topics.