IELTS writing task 2 about government's investment

Funds for Entertainments or for public services?

Hello friends.. Please kindly review my writing
The government's investment in art, music and theater is a waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public service instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Entertainments are the valuable economic asset for a country, whereas funding for public service to all citizenry should be a mainly issue because I assist that government would get more benefit as it determines the quality of people's live as a develop country.

Art and music were leading to stable economy for nations. That is to say that entertainment would represent the culture and attracts people intention, not only the citizen but also people all over the word. Moreover, as a part of live, people need to be relaxed in their leisure time. Therefore, those are required to entertain themselves. In 2015, Korean wave were outstanding in international level, all range of people are enchanted with Korean drama and Korean song. This is because Korean government invests around $50.000 for this sector in order to train the several Idols. However, this is a long run succeed and urgent problem like illiterate cannot be solve with entertainment.

On the other hand, government's investment in society basic service might raise the standard live of citizen. All human being need adequate health facilities in order to support their live, like monthly check up. Moreover, best educational system with advance technology also play a crucial part do develop child intelligent. Those would improve the quality of human resource. England is the main destination for health and educational research because Forbes and Time magazine released that England is the lowest number of mortality for 5 years and many world top university with high standard of pedagogical.

In conclusion, despite the glamorous of entertainment industry, government may wastage their fund. Government should allocate more money for public service, like education and health as an improvement for human standard of life.

1. a mainly issue
2. I assist that => I think you are using the word "assist" wrongly here. assist means help
3. ... and attracts people attention
4. Some parts of your essay are not academic, for example "... their live, like monthly check up" => we don't use "like" to give example, instead, you should use "such as"

There're quite a lot mistakes to talk about, but i will only list some of them above. You should rewrite it, avoiding grammatical mistake and try to use academic style

You have made a mistake int he wording of your task response. The error in response presentation is what will cause the TA score of your essay to fall under the failing mark. You did not respond to the question; "To what extent do you agree or disagree?". The answer you provided created a prompt deviation which changed the discussion topic and response to be different from what is required. Hence this essay will not achieve a passing score.

While you provided an explanation for your sentiment in the discussion, the lack of direct response to the question, which is required for the prompt paraphrase is the main reason why this essay will be considered weak. Since your TA response is problematic, there is a question as to whether the essay actually responds to the prompt or not.

The answer is that the essay response itself, along with the incorrect discussion question response will result in a failed essay test for you. This is a single opinion essay that asks you to represent the strength of your belief in the given discussion based on 2 fully explained reasons. Your response is a comparative presentation that indicates that you do not have a clear point of view for the discussion. It also represents a lack of English comprehension skills on your part. Both of which are additional reasons that this essay cannot get a passing score.

You should review the sample essays at this forum before you write another practice test. You must familiarize yourself with the different discussion requirements. There is a need for you to understand when to use a comparative essay (Advantage v Disadvantage / Discuss both points of view) and when you should discuss only a single opinion (Agree or Disagree / Extent Essay). Once you can tell the difference between discussion formats based on the instructions provided, you should be able to present a more properly formatted essay response.

a deveoped country
stable economy stabilise
Korean wave were was
Korean drama and Korean song.

On the other hand Next You cannot use on the other hand alone without on one hand