Ielts graph_how the UK spent their time in the year 1982

This is the writing task 1 in practice test 2, Ielts Help now.
The full question is in the link that follows

rdc.longre.com/file/january2010/Academic%20Practice%20Test%202.pdf

Here is my essay:

The chart provides a few sets of data about a range of activities of the unemployed in the UK in 1982.

As can be seen, housework, shopping, job hunting, visiting friends and reading were most popular activities of unemployed British people. As illustrated, unemployed men tended to spend most of their morning time on job hunting (22%), shopping (20%), housework (19%) and reading (9%), which remained popular in the afternoon. Similarly, the most frequent activity of unemployed women was housework, which constituted nearly half the total proportion(49%). Shopping, job hunting and visiting friends were also their popular activities in the morning, which stood at 26%, 16% and 10% respectively. No more than 5% of men walked, sat around, visited town or drank in the morning. Likewise, a minority of women spent time on the remaining activities.

Interestingly, the largest percentage of men preferred watching TV(14%) in the afternoon. Women were outnumbered by men in gardening, with the ratio of 14% to 2% in the morning, and 13% to 3% in the afternoon. Housework was still women's most common activity, albeit dropping by more than half to 21%. In addition, a greater percentage of women watched TV (14%) and read (10%) in the afternoon.

As can be seen, housework, shopping, job hunting, visiting friends and reading were the most popular activities of unemployed British people.

This is great! I particularly liked how you started your second paragraph woth, 'Interestingly,...'.

:)

Thank you Susan, you're really dedicated to helping other people with writing skills (me involved) :D.
Wish you have a good day!
:D
Now, my essay is like this:

The chart provides a few sets of data about a range of activities of the unemployed in the UK in 1982.

As can be seen, housework, shopping, job hunting, visiting friends and reading were the most popular activities of unemployed British people. As illustrated, unemployed men tended to spend most of their morning time on job hunting (22%), shopping (20%), housework (19%) and reading (9%), which remained popular in the afternoon. Similarly, the most frequent activity of unemployed women was housework, which constituted nearly half the total proportion(49%). Shopping, job hunting and visiting friends were also their popular activities in the morning, which stood at 26%, 16% and 10% respectively. No more than 5% of men walked, sat around, visited town or drank in the morning. Likewise, a minority of women spent time on the remaining activities.

Interestingly, the largest percentage of men preferred watching TV(14%) in the afternoon. Women were outnumbered by men in gardening, with the ratio of 14% to 2% in the morning, and 13% to 3% in the afternoon. Housework was still women's most common activity, albeit dropping by more than half to 21%. In addition, a greater percentage of women watched TV (14%) and read (10%) in the afternoon.