The graph illustrates some life's trouble after people decision to move abroad. English studio task

alfinkurnia 33 / 42

Nov 28, 2016 #1

The graph illustrates about life's trouble when people decide to go abroad. From that graph as we know all people have equal trouble, consist of education, healthcare, and economy. Overall, the lowest problem for people when live in other country is finding education institution for their children.

As can be clearly seen, people who sorting out finance when 18 to 34 years old is highest at approximately 33 percent. In contrast, between people who have old 35 until 54 and over 55 is sorting out healthcare.

Aged of people who find school for children are increase extremely from 6 percent in 18-34 years old to 18 percent in 35-54 percent, and after that fell rapidly in over 55 years old by 15 percent. The percentage of sorting out healthcare become the highest in people who have old 35-54.

From that figure we know that people who have more problems when 35 until 54 years old. Moreover, they has the highest percent in all problems.

ichanpants89 16 / 742

Nov 28, 2016 #2

Alfin, it is unfortunate that your overview is unclear because you didn't select the appropriate information of the chart given (if there is a chart, but actually there isn't) . Mentioning only the highest/lowest data would not help you achieving a better overview. Thus, you can only get 5 for task achievement.

For coherence and cohesion, I might say that this can only reach 5 due to inadequate, inaccurate or over-use cohesive devices. For instance, you have accidentally addressed "overview" several times. Mentioning "as we all know, overall, as clearly be seen, we know that" would make your cohesive devices redundant and inaccurate or over-use. Also, some words repetitiveness such as "highest" and "sorting" also make this essay can only reach 5. You can substitute them by using synonyms and rephrase them by altering from active into a passive one.

Without reading further, it is quite clear that this essay can only reach 5 or even worse if you keep making the same mistake in the next practice. Hope this would be helpful :)