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The graph informs about changes in the number of books read by boys and girls at Starmouth's library

ndung0310 1 / 1  
Jul 18, 2020   #1

Writing Ielts task 1 about graph

The graph gives us information about changes in the number of books read by boys and girls at Starmouth School library between 2009 and 2012.
We can see that from 2009 to 2010, the number of books read by boys were more than girls and increased sharply from about 50 to 80. However, during 2010, these figures also rose but were as fast as before. Specifically, there was a slight increase by 20 and peaked at 100 in 2011. And then, the number of books read by boys from 2011 to 2012 had been a downward trend. In 2012, figures droped to 80 and equal to the 2010's figures.

Beside that, the number of books read by girls went up considerably. In spite of the number of books read by girls were not equal to boys in 2009. And between 2009 and 2010, figures increase slightly to 40 but still were not as same as the number of books read by boys. However, from 2010 to 2011, there was a dramatic rose by 60 which were the same to the number of books read by boys which peaked at 100 in 2011. During 2011, this number continually rose and peaked at 140 in 2012. Over 3-year period, there was had been an upward trend.

Overall, the number of books read by boys were fluctuated therefore during the first year, these figures were higher than girls. But in 2012, this number dropped and the number of book read by girls increased significantly, 60 books more than boys.


Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,918 4798  
Jul 18, 2020   #2
NOTE: Only trained contributors can score essays. Student scoring = Suspension !!!

I hope you won't mind if I do not score your first Task 1 essay. It is our forum policy not to score the first essay that the student provides because that is the essay that the contributor uses to assess the writing skill and errors of the student. It is only meant to help me guide you going forward. You are normally scored on the second essay onward since you will already have received writing improvement advice from a contributor based on the errors you had in the first essay. I assure you, the second Task 1 essay you present will be scored.

The first problem with this essay is that you wrote too many words. The word requirement for the Task 1, 20 minute essay is 150-190 words, with 175 being the mid-range word count to help you achieve a passing or higher score. You wrote 256 words for this essay. That word count is indicative of the Task 2, 40 minute writing test. Do not write too many words. Long essays often provides more error opportunities for the writer when compared to the summaries of proper word count. This is only a summary, not a research report. It is a quick summation of information. It does not require over analysis or opinions, not even a concluding statement. All of those are used on the Task 2 essay.

The trending statement can be presented anywhere in the essay. However, as a stand alone paragraph at the end of the essay, it appears more as an opinion or concluding statement, which is not necessary in this presentation. That is why it is oftentimes better to attach the trending statement to the 3-5 sentence summary overview, or first paragraph.

Your first paragraph, which represents the summary overview is only 1 sentence long. It is not complete in information:
- Type of graph (incorrect, line graph not just a graph)
- Information source ( provided)
- Years indicated (provided)
- Measurement type ( provided)
- Trending statement

There is an error in your presentation. The years indicated shows an incorrect start date. It started in 2006 not 2009, The TA score will be reduced due to inaccuracy of information. You also missed out on presenting the clear overlapping measurement that occurred in 2011. It was equal for boys and girls. There was no reference to that in the report.

Your grammar is not bad, but it is not that good either. You need to practice proof reading your work.

Spelling errors:
droped - dropped

Word Choice:
Beside that - Besides that

Singular or Plural:
number of book read - number of books read (number indicates plural word count)

Avoid uncertain words:
went up considerably - went up

In spite of - Despite

Use a comma between clauses:
the number droped and the - the number dropped, and the

These are the reasons why we never score the student on his first writing exercise. It is unfair to score you on your first attempt. You are not really sure of how to write yet. Using the above review, you now have a starting point for your future writing improvement. You also know which weak points in grammar usage you need to focus on. I look forward to reading your next essay and scoring it.

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