Hi everybody, it is my essay for independent essay of toefl, please help me to revise it together.
Q：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents should set strict rules to their children if they want them to succeed in the future
Undoubtedly, every loving parents have a yearning for their children's success in the future - children are excepted to be giant elites. In recent years, parents become more strict on children than any other period. This phenomenon triggers a heated discussion about whether parents set strict rules is useful for the success in the future of their children or not. As far as I am concerned, it plays a little significant role on the success.
[...]
For example, abusing drug, violence, and so on. Therefor, parents should set some rules on those problems.
Some typos such as therefore. Try restrain yourself from using e.t.c and so on and so forth.
Mophicyao, your essay is flawed in reasoning. You have failed to consider that children, at very young ages do not have any study habits nor do they know that they are supposed to study after school and complete their homework. Two activities which are the basis of discipline and worth ethics in a person's life that eventually leads to success for them in the future. You spoke of an example of a person who was given control of his study time at a far more advanced age, when the foundation for discipline in relation to studies had most likely been established by his parents already. You have therefore used a weak example in your essay. The best example to use is always based upon personal experience due to the insight that it gives you about the topic you are discussing. I would have chosen to discuss a comparison of my own study habits as a child and how the strict supervision of the parents was necessary at the start, slowly working up to the fact that eventually, the strictness can have its negative effects on the child who could no longer know how to be a child because of the incessant strict rules the parents apply to their study habits and the like. If your can prove that a slow, relaxing of the rules benefits the child in terms of his future success, then you will be able to better argue the points being implied within the essay.
Grammatically, the essay needs work. Since you need to revise the content though, it is best to do the grammatical corrections when the revision for the content has been finalized. That way you only correct the grammar once instead of throughout the theme revision process :-) Good luck with your revision! We look forward to reading the next version. It is not easy to self teach yourself for the TOEFL test. We will be here ot help you with your review as long as you need us to :-)
update:
Undoubtedly, every devoted parents have a yearning for their children's success in the future - children are excepted to be giant elites. In recent years, parents become more strict than any other period. This phenomenon triggers a heated discussion about whether parents should set strict rules to their children or not. As far as I am concerned, strict rules play a less significant role on the success.
For children, discovering what is happening around the world independently has a far great impact on the development of children's personality trait. Although suffering lots of difficulties, pains, even tears, it is the surest way to learn the way of self-control, and it will bring incredible fortune to children. My friend, Liang, which is a senior manager of google, is a good case. When he was young, his parents seldom interfered his study, giving him adequate space to manage his study. Even though he was weak in chemistry, he never was asked to attend extra cram schools, or required to achieve a good score in chemistry. By contrast, he owned the rights to plan his study, definitely, totally, and independently. Every month, his parents reviewed his study, help him resolve problems. Benefiting from it, he learned how to schedule his study, as well others. It is the freedom of control that makes him a successful, potential, self-control person now.
Furthermore, strict rules sometimes lead to the lost of happiness. It can not be imaged that under the strict rules, children have the ability to enjoy the happy time which they should have.
My parents like all of parents want me to become a elite, therefor, in my childhood, they acted as rough parents. Everyday, I was blamed for the noise which I made at dinner. Eventually, I hated dinners and my parents alike, refused eating in return. Fortunately, my parents relaxed their requirements, allowed me to make a little noise gradually. They were not hurry to correct this misbehavior immediately, instead of step by step. After that, my parents bring me up in a quite relax way, now.
Admittedly, however, I am not saying that children should have no strict rules on everything. They are too young, having no integral awareness of the disciplines, having no study habitats. Rules are useful for children to develop good work ethics and bring up good study habitats. However, severe rules sometimes cause negative efforts, leading to the happiness of childhood.
Overall, success is not easy to measure, every child deserves a better life. I believe that with less strict rules, children will live a more happy live and also have more chances to become success in the future.