IELTS Writing task 2: Essay about healthiness problems and measures for that

Task: In some countries, the average with of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.
What do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

It is widely acknowledged that the average weight of people is rising, plus, their healthiness and physical condition are declining. This is mainly because of a sedentary lifestyle and an imbalanced diet. This essay will explain these problems and then argue the best solutions for these.
To begin with, having a sedentary lifestyle is the foremost problem that results in a decrease in well-being and fitness. As if there is less exercises taken, healthiness will be reduced and this can possibly leads to cardiovascular symptoms. Additionally, once the health is reduced, functions of every part of body will be less efficient. Another point to make is that a dietary imbalance plays a significant role in assisting physical condition. Without taking note of a balanced meal, it is more effortless to gain more weights, therefore, more fat substance will be consumed and other well-supported substances for health will be less consumed. For example, junk food contians high calories and low nutritional value.
It is crucial to address these issues so as to have better well-being and reduce weight gain. One possible solution is not to be lazy and take more physical exercises such as basketball and swimming. Furthermore, consulting nutritionists is another method to enhance the level of health. With their in-depth knowledge, avoiding fatness will become straightforward.
In conclusion, there are other factors that cause a rise in people's weight and a reduction in well-being and fitness. However, with appropriate approaches to those problems mentioned, having better healthy conditions and societied seem to be simple.

Please at least give each score for 4 criterion based on IELTS standards. I would appreciate it.

The paraphrasing is incorrect. It should mention, in your own words, that the weight increase is happening in some countries. It must reflect the original basis of the discussion point. The writer's opinion will get a non passing score because it does not offer a clear writer's opinion based upon the 2 given writing guide questions. The preliminary TA score will be problematic even as you wrote more than the minimum word count.

While your reasons for the weight gain are acceptable, it is not a conclusive statement to make since it does not refer to any country in particular. This makes the reason appear to be flimsy and lacking in convincing power. You should cite at least one country in particular. You could even cite your home country if you wish, to make this discussion aspect more believable.

Your solutions are plentiful but lacking in substance. It is not the number of solutions that you present which will score highly, it is the explanation as to how the solution will benefit the overweight people. While you show knowledge about the solutions, you do not show the proper application for a particular country either. So the solution is lacking in development.

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