Help in trouble, warm advice - Extended family statement. Toefl writing

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Please feel free to write some comment for me. I really want to improve my writing skills for Toefl.

Thank you~

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Nowadays, most of people have a lot of extended family. Regarding this, there has been a controversy about whether the extended family is less important now than it was in the past. Some would argue that the extended family is unnecessary than it was in the past. However, I firmly believe that the extended family is very important than it was in the past because extended family could helped people when we have some trouble and they could give people a warm advice.

To begin with, the extended family could help their people when they have some troubles. In other words, extended family such as uncle and aunt are very intimate relationship than other random people because most people used to think extended family is part of their family. I would like to illustrate this with a personal example. When I decided to go America for studying, I was really afraid about a lot of new experience and new environment. Also, I was worried about new people who I have to stay with them for studying in America. But, I could stayed my uncle and aunt's house for 3 years because they used to live with my family. So they let me stay in their house for 3 years. They helped me to adapt new environment and they exaplained about country's culture, language and food. Thus, extended family is necessary now than it was in the past.

Furthermore, extended family could give people a warm advice. To be specific, most of extended family such as grandparents, cousins and uncles have a lot of valuable life wisdom and experience because they live their life than people who is in teenager. For example, my grandparents who experienced a lot of hardship and difficulty in their life gave me a lot of warm advise for me when I failed or mistake from test. When I failed the test one day, I really wanted to give up right after I saw that test score. However, when I talked with my grandparents about my suffering, they gave me a power that I could do anything. So I could realized many things from failed test and I could overcome failing steps. Therefore, extended family could give people a lot of warm advice.

In conclusion, the extended family is more important now than it was in the past. This is because extended family could help their people when they have some troubles. Also, extended family could give people a warm advice.

i have found some grammatical errors here.

because extended family could helped people
you need to use bare infinitive

a lot of new experience s

because they live their life than people who is in teenager = because they live in their life longer than me, as a teenager .

when I failed or mistake = when i failed or did a mistake

in conclusion i think you need to put more ideas :
example : extended family can replace our parent's position when we are away from home.

Hi Joseph, as you mentioned this is for TOEFL and its like IELTS, very rigid and quiet tough to beat, however, with determination, perseverance and constant practice, you will be able to come up with a well written if not the best essay.

One thing that I always advice the students and English practitioners alike is to be able to consistent when it comes to practicing and exercising the English language, this is an easy way to be confident in your writing and more importantly be confident about yourself.

Going back to your essay, kindly find the remarks I made for the first 2 paragraphs of your essay.

1st paragraph
- RegardingIn line with this,
- than it was in the past( this is not necessary as we have established the manner of time that the event has taken place ) .
- it was in the past( having stated "it was", this already denotes the past )

- their people when
- as uncle and aunt areis very
- intimateclose ( "intimate" is for lovers ) relationship
- whothat I have to stay
- with them foras I was studying in America.
- But, I could stayed with my uncle
- So they let me stay in their house for 3 yearswith them ( try to avoid redundant information ) .
- They helped me to adapt to the new
- about the country's culture,
- than it was in the pastbefore .

There you have it Joseph, I hope the corrections I made are critical enough for you to be able to see that there is still a lot of work to do and you are doing a good job in following through.

Thank you so much for your helpful comments!
I could realized my grammar errors.

Please keep helping me !

Hi, Kssuy6. These my comments which i focused only on your two first paragraphs. keep writing.

Nowadays, most of people have a lot of extended family. --> families, plural/singular issue
Regarding TO this _--> preposition
there has been a controversy about whether OR NO the extended family is less important now than it was in the past.
Some would argue that the extended family is unnecessary than it was in the past. However, I firmly believe that the extended family is very important than it was in the past because extended familycould helped modal + bare infinitive people when we they have some trouble and they could give people a warm --> improper collocation of 'advice' better use excellent, good, helpful, etc advice.

please reduce the using of extended family, try change your writing style or paraphrase it since to many repetition of this word

To begin with, the extended family could help their people ?? when they have some troubles --> trouble is uncountable noun. In other words,
I would like to illustrate this with a personal example. When I decided to go TO America for studying,

try to reduce the similar word like family, people, etc. concern to use a wide range of vocabularies. fighting.