Unanswered [19] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3


The historical data about wheat exports over three different parts of the world


Jun 30, 2018   #1
[Hi everyone, I am a new member. I would highly appreciate if you all fix and grade this essay for me. My target is 6.5 writing, so hopefully I can get it! Thanks for all]

The given line chart illustrates how much wheat was sold overseas in 3 specific zones over the course of 5 years starting in 1985 and measured in millions of tonnes

As can be observed from the chart, it is clearly evident that the patterns of these areas had considerably fluctuations over the time frame shown. While the amount of wheat sent abroad witnessed a downward trend in Australia, that of European Community tended to increase and the exportation of wheat in Canada significantly oscillated throughout the studied period.

In 1985, the amount of wheat exported in Canada registered the highest of 3 regions, standing at about 19 millions of tonnes. The exportation of European and Australia was lower of roughly 17 and exactly 15 millions of tonnes respectively. The year 1988 experienced a second highest hit in the amount of wheat sent overseas in Canada, peaking at 25 million tonnes, before hitting the bottom of around 14 million tonnes in the following year. At the same time, a reserve tendency could be witnessed in European which had dramatically jumped from 15 to over 20 million tonnes by 1990.

With regards to the amount of wheat sold overseas in Australia, it increased slightly to approximately 16 million tonnes in 1986. This figure had steadily fallen by 5 million tonnes by 1990. In contrast, there was an upward trend in the export of Canada, closely 20 million tonnes at the similar time.



hyperephania 10 / 27  
Jun 30, 2018   #2
It seems that there are some mistakes in your writing that might probably lower your LR score, such as "had considerably considerable fluctuations over the time frame shown", "the highest of among the three regions", etc.

Also, you seem to have problems with paraphrasing, you should write "... sold overseas in 3 specific zones by three countries".
Furthermore, there are some sentences that can be rewritten to be more coherent and some can be combine together. I think you know how to do this.

Hope this makes sense!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,898 4797  
Jul 1, 2018   #3
Ngo, you have not delivered a complete summary overview. You only have a partial introduction to the topic when the summary overview requires you to indicate:

1. The topic for discussion
2. Inclusive dates of comparison
4. Graph and Measurement type
5. Areas where data was gathered from
6. Trending statement.

You could have better presented the essay in the following manner:

Data regarding wheat exports covering a 5 year period from 1985-1990 are the points for review in the given line graph. The 3 zones for review are Australia, Canada, and the European community. The measurements are given in tonnes. The trend for the graph at the end of 5 years indicates a slowing of exports in Australia but a faster rate of export for Canada and the European community.

This is a 4 paragraph essay with the opening summary usually clocking in at 3 sentences as exemplified above. The rest of the paragraphs will also benefit from a better GRA and C&C score if you aim to write 3-5 sentences each as well. Don't write more than 150 words because you still need to leave time to edit and revise the information in the paper.

The summary overview will help to prove that your TA presentation are on track with the given information. For C&C accuracy, you need to follow the same format for the opening summary as well. All related information should be summarized for presentation at the top of the paragraphs for Task 1 essays. In task 2 essays, the summary is placed in the concluding paragraph.

What do you mean by a "reserve tendency" ? If there no such term indicated in the original graph then that information should not be indicated in the report. You are aiming for information accuracy here so don't change terms nor add information that isn't required / represented in the graph. That will cost you deductions in TA considerations.

While information can be placed in any order in the report, it is best for your C&C score if you present the data in chronological order. That means, going by a year by year comparison. That means, 1986 should not have been placed at the bottom of the essay because the information there directly relates to the 1987 data. The chronological listing will allow you to prove cohesiveness and connections within your paragraph presentation which will help to increase your score due to the logical presentation of your report.

When one considers the grammar and sentence issues in your presentation along with other concerns, Your baseline score will be anywhere within the 5 and upward range but definitely not a 6.


Home / Writing Feedback / The historical data about wheat exports over three different parts of the world
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳