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IELTS Human's dependence in the modern world - about coherence, academic style



gabbie 9 / 19  
Oct 27, 2013   #1
Some people think that in the modern world we have become more dependent on each other, while others think that people are now more independent.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion
.

In the present day, whether human are independent or dependent on each other has sparked great concerns. Some people hold their view that they are increasingly dependent while others claim that they are becoming more and more self-reliant. My writing will critically analyze both sides of this issue based on some reasons below.

To begin with, it is natural human instinct for people to help each other so this characteristic should be harnessed for the betterment of mankind. Admittedly, a lot of people frankly express that they find the happiness and the feeling of being a good person in doing help for the others. In time of hardship and natural calamities like earthquakes and floods, people from different parts of the world pull together to ameliorate the problem. For example, a variety of countries worldwide donated and sent volunteers to remedy the disaster's consequences after the earthquake happened in Japan in 2011.

Additionally, a further more subtle point I take into consideration is that nowadays, as the world becomes smaller and smaller, it is important for different countries to live peacefully and work together. The dependence on trade, co-operation program, environment protection will probably foster the diplomatic relations and ease the international tension. Furthermore, In the globally strong integration, we should work together to share experiences and create network loops which effectively assists our careers.

Nevertheless, the negative side of the material life adversely affect people's lives, which leads them to live independently. Obviously, due to some advances in technology like smart phone, there are fewer face-to-face conversations and weekend gatherings with friends. Some people are busy with their own business and surrounded by modern devices such as calculators, PCs that causes the interaction lose with their colleagues. Another example for the independence in the fast-paced world can be seen in the nuclear family. Seldom we may see parent and their children sit together to enjoy a cozy dinner as they used to in the past. They live separately in their own room, doing private things. As a result, it will harm the family attachment.

In conclusion, each individual has his own viewpoint about human's dependence today and this matter is still open to debate. I personally incline to the notion that we are totally or at least partly reliant on each other

gmad06 20 / 143  
Oct 27, 2013   #2
In the present day, whether human are independent or dependent on each other has sparked great concerns.

not a good starting sentence;it is basically what is written in your prompt.

My writing will critically analyze both sides of this issue based on some reasons below.

this is unnecessary; try to rephrase if you must

your ideas are great, however some of them aren't properly sequenced, it took me a couple of re-reads to
grasp the concept
you also did not fully ellaborate your discussion on the relation of modernization with dependency among humans

hope this helps..
MisterWandering 18 / 314  
Oct 27, 2013   #3
My writing will critically analyze both sides of this issue based on some reasons below.

The prompt asks for your opinion so it would be better if you could state yours in the introduction.
I feel your first body paragraph is somewhat out of topic. In my opinion, "dependent" means relying on others for support. Instead of mentioning why people should help each other, I think you should focus on why people need help and support, and therefore become more dependent on others.

a further more subtle point I take into consideration is that

This part is not necessary.
Your vocabulary and grammar are all excellent. However, after reading your essay, I feel that it is more like an argumentative essay rather than a discussion essay.

I hope this helps!
ravenet 6 / 22  
Oct 28, 2013   #4
gabbie
Hi,

You essay seems fine, but there are couple of points you have to keep in mind to make it more formal and academic style.

In the present day, whether human are independent or dependent on each other has sparked great concerns. Some people hold their view that they are increasingly dependent while others claim that they are becoming more and more self-reliant. My writing will critically analyze both sides of this issue based on some reasons below.

In the modern society, many people believe that they are increasingly independent on others for their daily needs, while others argue that they are unable to manage their themselves if they could not get from followers. However, I strongly believe that people are looking help from others to live in a world of their own .

Please see my introduction and see blue marked phrases for good collocations.

Thanks
dumi 1 / 6793  
Oct 28, 2013   #5
In the present day, whether human are independent or dependent on each other has sparked great concerns.

.... This sounds a bit too stereotype. Have a more catchy hook to open your essay.

Some people hold their view that they are increasingly dependent

.... dependent on what or whom?
JethroJosh - / 31  
Nov 5, 2013   #6
gabbie , I don't have enough time to go through this one but I suggest you to follow this format:

Intro:Paraphrase + opinion( partly agree)

Discuss A side with a cogent reason and explanation ( fully support that side)

Discuss B side with....(.... ....) Same as above

Conclusion: say ' partly agree again. Dont forget to repeat it as it is mandatory. You may reword it and say because both sides seem important. NEVER AGREE WITH ONE SIDE WITH THIS FORMAT. This is the easiest and simplest format that you can ever buy.

I think your format is wrong gabbie ( the essay you wrote). I am not sure because I didn't read its specifics. It seems that you are not familiar with standard formats. There are heaps of misleading websites and almost tutors know nothing about it. Find an IELTS examiner from your country if you want to improve it or keep posting. Whenever I have some free time, I will pop in and do it quickly. I may not able to explain all but I will give you a clue where you lack.
OP gabbie 9 / 19  
Nov 5, 2013   #7
Thank you so much JethroJosh :)
you did a great job ! i will try to improve my writing skill. I hope that you help me. Thanks again ^^


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