Some educationalists argue that non-exam, art-based subjects, such as music, drama, art, and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Art is a product of human expression. For this reason, the majority of educationalists contend that art should be a mandatory subject at secondary-school curriculum. It dues to this activity enhances the optimal condition of academic performance. Therefore, I strongly believe that art subjects enable to create students' real ability.
[...]
Hi, I thought your essay was pretty good and I think your structure could be effective. But you need to guide the reader a little more with more specific topic sentences that clearly state what you are going to discuss, and whose point of view you are describing, for each body paragraph.
Art is a product of human expression. For this reason, the majority of educationalists contend that art should be a mandatory subject at [in the] secondary-school curriculum. It dues {"it dues" is wrong - do you mean something like "This is due to the fact that this activity ..."?} to this activity enhances the optimal condition {"optimal condition" sounds pretty odd here} of academic performance. Therefore, I strongly believe that art subjects enable tocreate student[s to uncover their] real ability.
The majority of schools these days are eliminating art programs [ i]n the curriculum[, replacing them] regard with subjects like IT. Th[eir] purpose is to prepare student[s for their] working life after school. To exemplify,{this transition is not quite right here} students can easily see{"see" is wrong - don't you mean learn or acquire? or do you mean that the students can see that these skills impress employers?} the word processing and programming skills[,] which really impress employers more than ability to draw well. As a result, subjects [ i]n the school curriculum should be relevant to their potential careers. {this whole paragraph seems to be going against your thesis - is this your opinion or the justification made by school administrators? Be more clear on this}
Conversely, art subjects render a support through [to] overall academic performance in secondary school. American [research] studies examine [conclude] that some American pupils who participate regularly in the arts (three hours a day on [for] three days each week through one full year) are four times more likely to be recognized for academic attainment and [are] more extremely {"more" and "extremely" don't work together} proficient at reading, writing, and math or to win an award for writing an essay or poem.{this sentence needs to be more parallel, or maybe split off the more likely to win an award part in a separate sentence} As a result, art education can be an essential part of intellectual development.
My own personal point of view for this case is that there are some merits { merits in what? Try to refer back to the prompt and/or your thesis in each topic sentence} in several aspects. Firstly, art improves [students'] literacy skill. Students who learn art subject {or "learn about art"} will have critical thinking skills wh[en] talking about art, which could then be applied to understanding and analyzing literary materials. Secondly, it creates [improves] student[s'] motor skill[s ] because they are[, for instance,] able to draw a square and begin cutting straight lines with scissors. Thirdly, students who learn from some pictures {"learn from some pictures" sounds very vague to me} automatically develop their visual learning. Consequently, students are able to do [all] three [of] these skills as I mentioned so which show their personal skills.{this last phrase beginning with "so" doesn't really make sense here}
In conclusion, art-based subjects have [a ]strong correlation with other academic performances . Where possible, all pupils should study art[,] music and other supporting subjects such as IT {why does IT support art? or I guess you mean it is like an enrichment subject?} and sport[,] at least at primary school. However, at secondary school, students should be offered a choice between these subjects so as to focus on one major to continue their study if they wish.
