Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

non-exam, arts-based subjects should be compulsory in the secondary curriculum. Agree or disagree?

TQuan 1 / -  
Apr 24, 2020   #1

mandatory arts subjects at Schools?

Artistic subjects and other lessons which do not require examinations are believed to be obligatory in secondary level of education, according to some educational specialists, since improved learning results can be seen . For personal opinion, I totally concur on this belief because of two reasons.

First of all, the betterment of academic transcript of a student is linked to the intervention of non-scientific subjects through the. Relating to practical findings, students who are given exposure to music, art and drama are able to perform twice as well as the others in class. It can be explained that the neurons are stimulated to work more efficiently with the harmonious combination of science and arts in education. Therefore, these extra-curriculum will support the overall development of brains, leading to the outstanding in-class performance of students.

The second reason is the equilibrium in the average scores of all subjects. In fact, if optional and non-exam lessons following as art, drama or drawing are made unimportant, the students have the tendency to ignore it and pay more attention to other required ones namely Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry and hence, higher points can only be recorded in these subjects rather than extra activities. For this reason, an equilibrium in study is essential for comprehensive improvement in all school subjects.

In brief, my view is to make every subject in the curriculum be mandatory, especially ones relating to art. I hope that this viable method will be applied by the Minister of Education and better average scores can be seen in the transcript of each student.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,876 3553  
Apr 25, 2020   #2
I found this to be a very confusing essay to read. Most likely because the first reason does not make any sense and the second reason was just a practice in using big words that do not make sense in the overall essay presentation. Hence the lack of clarity and cohesion in both paragraph discussions. When the examiner cannot make sense of what you have written, you will find that your score will suffer in the end.

You missed the opportunity to create an impression in this essay because you did not use topic sentences to start your paragraphs. You chose to use ordinals instead, which led to you forgetting what you were talking about. This can be clearly seen as a problem in the following presentation:

First of all, the betterment of academic transcript ... through the. Relating to practical findings...

Do you see what I mean? You forgot what you were talking about in the previous sentence. You left it unfinished. Since you did not bother to double check your work when you completed it, you neglected to see the problem sentence and correct it. These are the types of errors that force the failure of an essay.

Next, you had an undue focus on the use of the word equilibrium. A word that did not make much sense in relation to the given discussion. It feels like you discovered a new English "big" word and could not wait to keep using it in a sentence. An examiner will realize that the use of the word is forced in the sentence and understand that you are not trying to write a clear essay, just a word impressive essay. That will work against your score in the end.

Always remember to read the work you just finished. Try to catch the explanation errors and replace any words that you used which feel forced in usage. The essay is academic but requires a conversational tone. It has to have a natural feel to it when read.

Home / Writing Feedback / non-exam, arts-based subjects should be compulsory in the secondary curriculum. Agree or disagree?