Can an ideal job can be acquired with accomplishing study in university? IELTS

Many people say that the only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to star work after school and gain experience in the world of work.

How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?

Plenty of people think that ideal job can be acquired with accomplishing study in university because they are ready to work in some places which they want to. However, other people say that students should work after graduating schools because they can obtain many experiences in the field of work. I strongly believe that getting job after finishing study in school has many benefits outweigh students who decide to work after university.

Nowadays, some people think that working after graduating in university is a mistake; even they say that this has negative effects for the people. Firstly, there is much unemployment in every major of university. Take Indonesia as an example, all universities in Indonesia have graduated more than thousands of students annually and some of them feel difficult to look for some jobs because they have to compete with other people who are fresh graduate. As a result, there is no doubt that many students do not know what they will do after graduating from university.

On the other hand, I believe that getting job after school has potential effect to development of students. Firstly, students can prepare themselves too much before entering to university because young generation can realize what should be love for subject in the future. It is definitely important for scholars to commit in one area of study. Research of Middlebury College say that a lot of their students say when they take a seat at university as freshman; they have a greater sense of purpose in their study. As a result, they student can understand how extend knowledge they have and what their destination of life in the future is. Secondly, youngsters can collect amount of money to continue their study because the cost of education is very expensive.

To sum up, although some people say that it is better to complete study in university for getting job, I believe that students have to seek some jobs after school to get some experience before they continue their study in university as this has many benefits for the students in part of ways.

I have suggested some changes to help you revise your essay. I also want to suggest that when you are quoting from a source, place quotation around quoted sentences. Always remember to cite your source in your paper.

1st paragraph: I think the first sentence in this essay should be changed. Here is a revision of the first sentence: Many people think that an ideal job can be acquired while study at a university. In the third sentence, place: "a" before job and delete "study in" before school. The last portion of this sentence is too confusing. If you want to combine the two ideas you could say that you believe that getting a job after finishing school high school has more benefits than working after graduating from a university. When you use the word, "than", you are going to be making a comparison between the two ideas.

2nd paragraph: You should change graduating in to "graduating from a university..." You could explain how there is a rise in unemployment present in every field of study. If this is taken from a source you could quote it and cite your source. Change the next sentence to: "For example, all universities have thousands of students who graduate annually..." When you describe the rest of the sentence you need to explain how there is competition that exists between newer and former graduates. Place "a" before university.

3rd paragraph: I think you need to explain how students are developed. This paragraph seems to be in favor of the idea that students should work after graduating from a university. However, you believe that finding work after graduating from high school is better. I think you should find a source that would support your position.

Your intro >> Plenty of people think that ideal job can be acquired with accomplishing study in university because they are ready to work in some places which they want to.

Your position >> I strongly believe that getting job after finishing study in school has many benefits outweigh students who decide to work after university.


Let me try to rewrite it >> While some people argue university graduates are ready to work, it seems to me that people who have university degree still encounter difficulties in getting a job due to the fact that there are high unemployment rates from such graduates. Take Indonesia as an example. A 2012 study conducted by National University pointed out that 40% of unemployment people in this country are those who have qualification from university. From this, it is clear that university degree does not guarantee people from gaining a job or even a good job.

Alif, make sure that your ideas in the body paragraph support your ideas in the introduction. Likewise, you should pay attention in using articles.

Hope it helps. Good luck!