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Ielts_writing2: poor children better at solving problems than rich children?



princedynasty 15 / 57  
Nov 21, 2012   #1
Topic: The children who grow up in a family short of money are more capable of dealing with problems in adult life than children who are brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

It cannot be denied that financial background has a profound impact on children's upbringing. It is suggested that children living in poor families are more efficient at tackling problems in adulthood than those from affluent families. I am convinced that this is a precise notion.

Poor children are able to make wise decisions when they reach adulthood because they have to get accustomed to hardship from an early age. Poverty means material difficulties. Impoverished parents can never spend enough time on taking care of their children because they are preoccupied with earning a modest income everyday. As a result, those children have to learn to be independent by caring for themselves and working to support the whole family. The living environment for poor children is harsh and even full of temptations and dangers. However, it teaches them helpful lessons about material values and human behavior. Children may make mistakes and suffer failure repeatedly, which makes them mature rapidly. When they grow up, those children will appreciate money and assess people's personalities sensibly.

Conversely, those who are surrounded by extreme care from rich parents have a propensity to be ignorant of the outside world. Since they live satisfactorily with abundant support provided by parents, there seems to be no need for these children to worry about money-related problems. Affluent parents are often overprotective of their children, so they help them to flee from difficulties to the maximum. Consequently, rich children will have trouble deciding by themselves later. More seriously, rich children are often made to study and distance themselves from the society. What they learn about the world is reflected mainly in textbooks and through the mass media, which tend to exaggerate the truth. It is understandable that many rich young adults, without sufficient knowledge of the social life, have an inaccurate view about a number of social issues. Nowadays, summer camps and courses about living skills are organized to help rich children grasp rudimentary know-how about adult life, but learning indirectly is nowhere near as effective as tackling problems head-on and gaining experience afterwards. In short, rich children are likely to have a clumsy approach towards various problems in adulthood due to their lack of practical knowledge.

As discussed above, with regard to problem solving , children from a poor background outdo those from prosperous families. This supports the affirmation that the family background has undisputed influences on children's problem solving skills.

:(( I had a substandard conclusion. Could someone instruct me in how to write conclusions? My ideas for conclusions often dry up.

dumi 1 / 6793  
Nov 21, 2012   #2
It is suggested that children living inof poor families are more efficient at tackling problems in adulthood than those from affluent families.

--------- very good sentence : )

Poor children are able to make wise decisions when they reach adulthood because they have to get got accustomed to hardship from an early age.

------ they have lived with such experiences; so keep it in past tense

As a result, those children have to learn to be independent by caring fortaking care of themselves and working to support theirwhole familyfamilies.

The living environment for poor children is harsh and even full of temptations and dangersquite challenging.

You give lots of reasons to justify your opinion; but you do not provide any example to support your reasons. In this task, they specifically state that you should support your reasons with examples. So be mindful about that. My advice is, give just one reason in one para and include an example to support it. For example;

.... As a result the children come from poor families become more independent in contrast to the rich children. For example, the ten year oldTimoty, our driver's son looks after his younger siblings while the parents are at work. Through this experience he has become much more independent, matured and responsible than other kids of his age and needs least support or supervision in carrying out his duties towards his family. ...
OP princedynasty 15 / 57  
Nov 21, 2012   #3
thank you dumi. I will rewrite the whole essay and add specific details :D:D:D.
dumi 1 / 6793  
Nov 22, 2012   #4
well... add specific examples :D

Since you need to manage time (the biggest headache at the TOEFL exam :D ) you better stick to one reason for para. But make sure you have one example for every reason. You can earn lots of marks if you strickly follow their recommended structure.

You write well and with more practice you can go for a real good score. Look forward to reading more essays from you : )
OP princedynasty 15 / 57  
Nov 22, 2012   #5
:D It's so funny when I try to divide the body into many paragraphs with one reason for each para and I have...6 para(without examples). I will try to group ideas :D
Ravichandra - / 2  
Nov 22, 2012   #6
princedynasty,

It was a great pleasure reading your essay with a wide grammatical range and vocabulary. However, your essay is too lengthy for IELTS (title says) as it needs just 250 words, and also as Dumi suggested, the task is more about persuading the reading on the argument rather than beefing it up with multiple reasons. It means that one should consider one or two main ideas per paragraph which can be well supported with examples.
dumi 1 / 6793  
Nov 22, 2012   #7
It was a great pleasure reading your essay with a wide grammatical range and vocabulary

yep... I agree with Ravi.... you display very good vocabulary : )

As discussed above, with regard to problem solving , children from a poor family background outdo those from prosperous families. This supports the affirmation that the family background has undisputed influences on children's problem solving skills.

Here I have a small issue.... when you say family background it contains a much broader sense... not only financial, but also social background, family values, etc.etc.... Since this topic is focused more on the financial aspect, better avoid using ''family background''
OP princedynasty 15 / 57  
Nov 22, 2012   #8
I modified this essay and replaced "family" by "financial" :))). But I will definitely rewrite. reading it, I find nothing interesting, as if I was making a long list:D

@ Ravinchandra: thank you for reading my essays. I don't aim to take the Ielts and I just want to practice writing English better so my essays are often long, but the main source of topics comes from either Toefl or Ielts.
dumi 1 / 6793  
Nov 22, 2012   #9
I don't aim to take the Ielts and I just want to practice writing English better

Yes.... I think you do a wise thing... IELTS and TOEFL topics are the best for you to improve English writing because they are mostly argumentative essays with simple comprehensible topics. They help you improve your vocabulary; arrange your flow and improve your presentation of ideas.

Also if you are keen on improving your writing skills, read as much as essays written on similar topics. It really helps :D


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