IETLS Writing task 1 - 'Parkway Hotel customer service' pie chart

Thank you for spending time reading my post. I really appreciate your helps.

quality of service in a hotel

The charts below show the results of a questionnaire that asked visitors to the Parkway Hotel how they rated the hotel's customer service. The same questionnaire was given to 100 guests in the years 2005 and 2010.

The pie charts compare between the results of customer service evaluation surveys conducted in 2005 and 2010 in Parkway Hotel.
Overall, there were significant changes after a 5-year period. In 2005, more than two third of the customers were satisfied with the quality of customer services, the number increased dramatically to roughly 85% in 2010, only a minority of visitors gave out negative responses.

In 2005, nearly half of the customers rated customer service as satisfactory and only 5% of customers considered their jobs were excellent. However, the situation was reversed in 2010, the respectively figure for excellent and satisfactory option are 28% and 17%. The percentage of visitors who felt good about customer service rose a quarter more after 5 years of development.

In 2010, roughly 15% of visitors were unsatisfied with the Parkway's service. However, compared to 2005, the figure for "very poor" option was 15%, not to mention that of ''poor '' option, which accounted for 21% of customers.

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Vi, when you write the overview statement, do not give any actual figures or information yet. Remember, that portion is only to be used as a method by which you are to paraphrase the prompt and offer an outline of the discussion that is yet to come. Normally, it should cover no more than 3 sentences to be effective. While your second paragraph was informative and really showed that you studied the chart, the third paragraph was too short because it lacked more information coming from the chart. The way that this paragraph could have been lengthened would have been if you did not present the information in the opening statement. That is precisely why the opening statement cannot have actual facts and figures from the provided image. Please avoid doing that next time in order to get a better score. Right now, this essay will probably get a 4 because of the mistakes you made in the presentation of the opening statement.

Hi @chikachika

I just want to suggest you that in overview, it should be better not to include numbers. Since you can elucidate number or figure in body paragraph, you just mention the striking figure and general trend of graph. Also, it should be better to equalize the average numbers or rows of your sentences between body paragraph 1 and 2. Since it seems that your body paragraph two was very lack, the minimum number of sentences of paragraph is three.

hope it helps you

Hi Vi, I have read your writing closer and found a few improvements you need.
Firstly, you actually presented an overview in your introductory paragraph, but it is not fascinating. You directly place the data in the paragraph and did not try to analyze the data. You are supposed to bring the data to the meaningful sentence. Besides that, please avoid using detailed information in the overview because the primary aim of showing the overview is to give a general illustration about what you will explain in the body paragraph. You can say that " Visitors of Parkway Hotel had been more pleased with service conducted by the employee in that 5-year period".

After that, you focus on the language of the data so that you have not shown a bravery to explore the data. You have used the same words to describe the information. Honestly, you play this safely. If you wanna a higher score, you are supposed to find the interesting data and compare their condition. Following this, keep in your mind that you should write at least in the paragraph.

Overall, you have shown the positive improvement.
Happy Writing