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IGCSE - Descriptive writing essay on narrowly escaping a storm. Any help would be marvellous.

Marcus T 1 / -  
Jul 26, 2015   #1
Essay question: You're walking home, when you notice signs of a storm gathering around you. Describe what happens and how you feel as you make your way to shelter.

How would I be able to correct/ improve my piece of writing to hopefully obtain a better grade? Any help would be fantastic and greatly appreciated! Thank you!

A thick, soot-black layer of ominous clouds blanketed the naked sky, blotting out the sun's iridescent rays that normally shone with great majesty, casting darkness over the lands. Deafening gusts of wind swept across the grassy plain, causing branches of terrified trees to whip and sway about, tossed around like ragdolls in the fearsome gale. Struggling to keep my footing, I pressed forwards against the torrential winds, which lashed out at any exposed skin, turning my cheeks as red as a ripe tomato.

A vibrant flash of pure white streaked across the onyx clouds, momentarily breaking the blackened earth, illuminating the long, eternal road to the distant house. My muscles tightened as the air was filled with electrical charge, making the hairs on the back of my neck shoot upright, and my forehead to instantly adopt a sheen of cold sweat. Thunder boomed deeply in the distance, echoing across the vast plain, laughing at my discomfort. I quickened my pace, scampering down the uneven road, causing me to occasionally stagger and fall into the broken sod.

Thunder began to clap more steadily, and I could feel the storm at my heels, ready to pour at any moment. I could see the house clearly now: the old, empty shed that I would sometimes take shelter in on the way back from school. I could make out the blistered, splintered carvings I had etched into the wooden wall of the shed. Nature had began to consume the front of the shed, with vines creeping into the only window in the house, and moss coating the thatched roof, which seemed to struggle under its immense weight and had almost caved into the shed.

Suddenly, droplets of ice-cold water had began pelting my face, splattering into little shards of glass against my clammy face, feeling almost like ball bearings hitting my bare skin, causing me to wince in agony. I sprinted across the broken road, which had began to form little pools of dark, murky water, which looked ready to swallow anything that was unfortunate enough to scuff into it. The darkness that hovered above me was increasingly interrupted by white flashes and thunderclaps, which haunted me on the final sprint to the shed.

After an eternity, I finally reached the house; whose broken, dilapidated walls and bent, decayed roof offered me protection from Mother Nature's wrath. I staggered into the shed, and onto the comfort of its rotten, wooden floor, which bent and strained under the weight of my foot. Catching my breath, I gazed out the broken window only to view the relentless thunderstorm beating down the grassy plain with an unrelenting fury, and I thanked fate for allowing me safe passage.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 26, 2015   #2
- Struggling to keep my footing, I pressed forwards against the torrential winds,..
- I quickened myquickly pace,
- whoseit's broken,..

Marcus, as you can see, the remarks I made is very minor, this is because your essay is written well.
I love the fact that you were able to draw a lengthy essay out of a not so interesting topic.
Just make sure that you stick to being creative in your articles, this is a very good asset, it keeps your readers entertained and it's basically like reading a short story.

I will not be surprised if you will be able to write a good novel one day or a
collection of short stories.
Dawn01 19 / 33  
Jul 26, 2015   #3
Hi, Marcus T !!

Your essay was very good in term of quality and plot.But I think it can still use some tweaking here and there. Before you finish you could write a few lines about what you learn from such this experience. Your style is amazing. I can't help but take a bow.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Jul 26, 2015   #4
I agree that you are very descriptive in your writing. I will read it and look for any errors.

1st paragraph: When you describe trees, I think you should delete the word terrified to describe what occurs to them. I think what could improve your grade is making a transition between what occurs that is related to the weather and your connection to it. The third sentence, you abruptly are tackling the elements. In the beginning, you have to take the reader on the journey or obstacle you experience.

For example, you could simply add words to your essay in the first sentence, "...blanketed the night sky as I walked home,..." Make this correction to the last sentence in the paragraph: "I struggled to keep my feet steady as I pressed forward against the torrential winds, which lashed out at my exposed skin ...."

3rd paragraph: Instead of stating ready to pour at any moment, I think you should state: "... ready to begin at any moment." I would delete the word blistered.

4th paragraph: It seems as if you are describing "droplets of hail" or heavy droplets of rain. I would change the description and avoid using ice cold water. When you discuss the murky water change scuff into to "encounter it".

5th paragraph: Put "at" after out. You could end with, "a safe passageway to escape".

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