ielts writing task 2 - ILLEGAL TO REJECT JOB'S APPLICANTS BASED ON THEIR AGE

QUESTION:
In some countries it is illegal for employers to reject applicants due to his/her age.
Positive or negative development?
give your own opinion.

age of an applicant and job's selection

ANSWER

It is true that age is sometimes included as important criteria for determining selected candidates for job in companies. However, it is considered as illegal job requirement procedure in several nations. In my opininon, this phenomenon is a negative development which can bring downsides for both company and the labours themselves.

One serious problem can arise from prohibiting the companies to refuse their job's applicants due to their age is it can lead to serious company loss. It is because some job's positions require adequate experiences which commonly owned by those in productive age (30-35 years old). Therefore, in my opinion when it is restricted to take age into account for selecting new employees, the companies wil be dominated by unqualified staffs. Consequently, the companies will be adversed as they should pay several amount of dollars for those employee do not posess neither skill nor ability to favour the companies' outcomes.

In addition, health and safety of labours are the main priorities over all companies therefore the age should be one factor to be considered otherwise it will damage the labour's health and safety. To illustrates mechanical occupations like petroleum engineers is one of job that physically demanding thus the applicants who apply for this job should have a vigorous body and healthy. This sort of job is not suitable for those in elderly age as the they will not strong enough for doing this job. On this conditions, I believe the age should be legal to be one factor in reviewing job's applicants.

To conclude, several states consider that involving age into prerequisite of job's selection is illegal procedure. However, it confines the company to recruit potential staffs based on their need. In addition, employees's safety and health are the primary priorities of every company. Thus I strongly believe that the aforementioned view is a negative development.

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- please kindly give advises related to my writing and give estimated band score since i aim for band 7 for writing-

hi, I would like to give some feedback. because I am also a beginner, I am sorry if my comment seems meaningless.

I little bit confused when I read the third paragraph, because you did not put some punctuation between clauses, such as

1. health and safety of labours ... I think you should give a comma before 'therefore' and put a dot before 'otherwise' and comma after it

2. To illustrates mechanical ... you should put comma after 'illustrate' and do not use 'like' as linking word to give an example. it is used for informal situation or speaking section, 'such as' is better than 'like'.

@zahranatsir
I think that your got the great opening ,however, there are some mistakes in the main paragraphs.
1."On Under this conditions,..."
2. "... they will not be strong enough ..."
3."have a vigorous body and healthy"

healthy is an adjective which should be use after be -verb

4. In my opinion, the conclusion will be better to be short and only repeat your opinion again.
hope these will help~