[IELTS Task 2] Impact of advertisements on our lives

Hello, I just registered an account in EssayForum to looking for aid to my Writing's skill (since my mentor cannot be in charge of it anymore). I'm really appreciated if anyone here could support me!

the role of advertising and its influence

Here is the full topic: Advertising is becoming more and more common in everyday life. Some people say that advertisement has a positive impact on our lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

If there is any phrases or statements which are not well made, please feel free to correct it. Thank you!

My work:
It is argued that the popularity of advertisement nowadays has caused good influence on our society. While I believe that advertising has many benefits in terms of being a great tool for business and marketing, there are a few problems in information credential due to improperly uses.

It is unquestionable advertisement contribute several benefits to company growth and job offers.
By becoming one of the fundamental factors in almost every company's plan, advertising is likely to generate a variety of employment opportunities. Subsequently, it provides many occupants for those working as designers, painters in making graphics and content writers developing ideas. Another advantage is that advertisements will enable the company to convey messages throughout their products and services to reach potential customers. As a result, it is not only the corporation's popularity but also their sales for businesses will be risen in a short period of time.

However, advertising may cause several problems to customers due to its potential to be annoying and unnecessary. Firstly, instead of being informed such information which actually related to the function and properties of products, customers might be bombarded with all kinds of irrelevant advertisements. As a result, people may end up wasting money for falsely advertised products which are of little use to buyers. Secondly, a few companies are taking advantage of advertising for their commercial purposes by showing misleading and inaccurate facts. This leads to the poorer customer services as these corporations do not take customers's experience and feelings into account. Consequently, customers will not only lose their interested in buying advertised products but also companies' reputation.

In conclusion, advertising plays an important role in our modern society nowadays as it provides customers a wide range of products and helps many companies in sales. However, people should not overuse them to gain more profits while showing the false information as well as the facts that beyond buyers' expectations.

@ferbdeptrai
Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach if you have more questions.

Firstly, be extra cautious of the technical angles of writing. This would include the formatting of the sentence, arrangement of details, and other smaller parts of writing that are essential (grammar, tenses, punctuation mark usage, etc.). If you are able to keep all of these details substantially at bay, it would highly improve your writing because you will have more appeal to the readers/evaluators. For example, if we take a look at the first paragraph, the first sentence should have been a simple: The emergence of popularity has positively influenced society. Notice how the packaging is more concise - and yet, they both deliver the same message. Try to implement this technique for when you are writing.

The conclusion also needs to be shaped in a more straightforward manner. You could have omitted mentioning that advertising plays an important role since you explained that part already in the first portions of the text. Stick with just mentioning what you were able to figure out through the writing. The last sentence here appears to be hanging as well. Try to stick with something more concrete if you it would be possible.