Hello! Please check my essay and tell your opinion. What band would you put if you were an examiner? Thanks in advance!
Natural resources like forests, animals and clean water are disappearing. Why they are so important and should be saved?
The issue of saving natural resources like forests, animals and clean water has always been a crucial virtue since the time of industrialization. It is believed that this should be the matter of global importance. This will be proven with clear examples in my essay below.
Firstly, I personally think that saving natural resources is believed to be a key for the betterment of human life. It is thought to be that animals can somehow impact positively on children's health. A good example to illustrate this point of view is that today in major part of Western developed countries special medical centres are run where animals are kept and fed in order improve children's health. The latest statistics shows that sick children can be recovered from their illnesses by spending time with animals and fish, especially with dolphins and horses, which definitely underlines the importance of animals.
Secondly, I advocate the view point that clean and fresh water seems to be the foundation of our lives. It is simply impossible to imagine living on the Earth without clean water, which is drunk and used in large proportions in different spheres of our lives. A good example to demonstrate the importance of water is the car industry. Many scientists and car industries are now producing special cars which will run only on water. Hence these ecologically clean cars will also somehow improve our environment teeming with gas and dirty air.
All things considered it can be concluded that saving natural resources should be the matter of global importance. That is why it is highly recommended for people to act as soon as possible since the humanity is not ready for the global changes without forests, animals and clean water.
You have not discussed anything about protecting Forest. You can add a line or two in the first paragraph regarding importance of forest.
It is important to discuss each and every points mentioned in the topic. You loose points if your essay does not cover the whole topic.
Besides that your essay is well organized and vocabulary is good as well. You should get 6.5 - 7
Urvi, and what will u say if the topic of my essay is this: Natural resources like forests, animals or clean water are disappearing. Why they are so important and should be saved? I only changed and into or. Should I also write about forests in this case?
In that case I would just write about natural resources in general. So i guess it will be ok if I don't mention forest in that case. I am preparing for IELTS myself so I am just sharing my knowledge with you. This website contains some excellent tips : ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/ielts-writing-task-2/
and please give me your opinions about my essay on this website. Thanks and good luck :-)
The latest statistics shows that sick children can be recovered from their illnesses by spending time with animals and fish, especially with dolphins and horses, which definitely underlines the importance of animals.
Hi there - your conclusion is totally expected and conventional. You might strengthen it by providing more specifics on how you arrived at this conclusion i.e. what exactly are the statistics about young children recovering from illness by spending time with animals etc. (cited above.)
Likewise about your second point on water:
Many scientists and car industries are now producing special cars which will run only on water.
I sorry A. Smith but I haven't caught your point of view. Could you please paraphrase it or write the conclusion like you want according to your statement and tell your opinion in general about my essay. Thanks.
there is no need to write all things considered in the end... Also, you could highlight on more devastating causes on evironment without these natural resources.
Thanks Alisha. However what about the essay in general? Do you like it?
I think it's an awesome essay, only problem I have with it is the part where you talk about what you're going to be talking about in the rest of the essay(The issue of saving natural resources like forests, animals and clean water has always been a crucial virtue since the time of industrialization. It is believed that this should be the matter of global importance. This will be proven with clear examples in my essay below.)
I think that anyone who should be reading your essay should know what your stand is in the issue...it shouldn't be something that you have to point out.
Somebody please check my essay...
Hey birdman, sorry for late reply. I was busy . Anyways about your essay:
1. The first introductory para- u really dont need to write that u r going to elaborate n u have written an essay. Time and again I have told u that the thesis statement/ last line of first para- it should be very impressive and should have a great impact- So dont write ordinary lines at the start.
2. In ur next para, the animal n children corelation , I feel can be summarized as aesthetic charm and psychological effect .. maybe u should mention how animals influence the ecosystem--- give examples of the food chain etc.
3. Next u have written about importance of fresh water and related it to cars?? Come on buddy, scientists are still trying to develop this technology and when did car become so important for the survival of mankind n other organisms? maybe u should write that more than 3/4 th of earth is water yet only a minor percent can be used as fresh drinking water... n what will happen if that is also polluted??? your example is a radical idea n is yet to be made available to mankind. U can write it as a measure to control air pollution.
4. Improve ur conclusion- mention about deforestation, extinction of species, red book listed species -
This topic is such a vast topic that u will never run out of ideas.
Hope it helps.
It would help strengthen your essay if you provided more specifics (percentages and cite your sources.) Conventional conclusions means you could have plagiarized from any source i.e. not original thinking. If it is, then you need to convince the reader that you came up with the conclusion on your own. Authenticity is what your essay lacks.
ARness I do agree with some of your ideas and they have given me another ones. Still I have got questions related to this topic.
1. How would you write your own introduction if you were given such an essay?
2. Talking about the connection of animals with children... Firstly, I wanted to write something unusual about animals. There were some TV programs telling that animals influence positively on ill children. I think it is a strong statement in essay. I am not boasting man))) Secondly, I think that the major part of students would write the same thing about animals. I mean the thing you mentioned above: the food chain. So taking this into consideration I wrote about animal therapy. Do you agree with me?
3. Maybe I wrote the extraordinary thing about water and cars. But yet if such cars are introduced in our modern world (this might happen in the next 10-15 years) and they might impact positively on environment, will it be true to mention this point in my essay if the things will be as they are?
4. Finally how would you write the conclusion?
Thanks a lot. I really appreciate your help.
Hi birdman, I asked my friend amrosca to review ur essay too. I hope her reviews are quite a bit beneficial. Apart from that, the topic can be bifurcated into three parts mainly--y natural resources r disappearing-Their importance and then how should they be saved...
- In the quest of trying to be different , people go off the topic or cant relate to it much. Your examples are good, but keeping in mind the overall context of the topic- they aren't strong. You need to corelate how your example is important for ecosystem n the biosystem. The exampleof the cars u gave can be better said as to encourage the use of non-conventional energy resources (NCER).
-You wanna sound different, use NCER related examples which are much more technical and way different.
-I have studied environmental science and NCER both , as part of my mechanical engg. curriculum--- so I do know how important it is in terms of conserving natural resources.
- Mention about Red Book enlisted species-Its a book in which endangered species have been listed.
- Mention use of solar powered automobiles, example of how the recent oil spills near US coasts and also Indian coasts has caused damage to aquatic ecosystem.
-Be more rational n less radical.
Good luck n cheers
You can separate that dependent clause with commas:
The issue of saving natural resources, like forests, animals and clean water, has ...
That might get you more points on a test, because it seems a little more sophisticated. Your way was not exactly wrong, though.
This will be proven with clear examples in my essay below.
I don't like this as a thesis statement. I would rather see a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that captures -- in a single sentence-- the message of the essay. It is usually possible to express the main idea in a single sentence. If you are really good, you can express it in a single word. Think of concentric circles, like a dart board. The bull's eye is that magic word that represents the insight you are sharing.
Ana Maria, ARness and EF_Kevin.
I would like to answer to your replies in order of their appearance.
First of all, Ana Maria thanks you very much. I have really understood my grammar mistakes. I should review the whole grammar from the beginning. However, I haven't caught the idea that you gave me in your last sentence. Could you please rewrite this sentence "Firstly, I personally think that saving natural resources is believed to be key for the betterment of human life." as you wanted to say. Thanks in advance.
Secondly, I would like to express gratitude to ARness who always gives me good examples and advice. I really like when we debate on various topics. It is a good experience for me. Thank you!
Finally, thanks EV_Kevin. You are the only moderator who always reply to me. I really appreciate it, in spite of the fact, that you are very busy and answer to the people like me who are in need of your advice.
Thank you one more time guys!!!