Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

"Important truths begin as.." (CLEP English Comp w/essay)


nazgolg2000 1 / 1  
Apr 3, 2009   #1
Topic: "Important truths begin as outrageous, or at least uncomfortable, attacks upon the accepted wisdom of the time."

As a quick review of history would so eloquently reveal, mankind has been quite resistant in accepting very obvious truths that were brought to his attention. There have been many incidences when a very simple and logical proposal triggered the most passionate and religious conflicts, and even wars. Unfortunately, traits such as ignorance and self-indulgence have created an environment that ultimately brought some of the most important truths to light.

For example, there was a time when proposing that the world was round, instead of flat , or that the sun was the center of the universe, not earth, was considered blasphemy. It was easier for people of that era to understand that they were on the planet that was being orbited by all others. Self-centeredness and ignorance made them unable to conceive of this notion and the path to broadening their minds to accept this very scientific fact was a journey of centuries.

When the idea of "democracy" was first born in the ancient Greek civilization, it was the first time that the issue of social status was being under-minded. Until then, there was a distinctive line dividing an upper class from their servants, and the thought of giving that up was hard to fathom. It was more convenient to have a superior class to rule the society and a lower one to conduct manual labor. Even though this concept seems quite obvious, it is still an issue that nations are struggling to maintain even in the present era.

When the term "affirmative action" is brought up, not many people can truly imagine that in the United States of America, there was a time when an African American had to drink from a different fountain, or sit in the back of a bus. In the eightennth century, the majority of the country didn't believe in equal rights for people of all races and ethnicities. Martin L. King and Abraham Lincoln proposed ideas that seem so obvious today, but lead to great bloodshed and tragedy in their own time.

The list of these examples could go on and on. Today's society should be thankful for all the effort and passion that was put forth to bring some light on the aforesaid issues. Mankind should make it his mission to constantly yearn for knowledge and also spread that knowledge, in the hope that mistakes made in history not be made again.

EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Apr 3, 2009   #2
Overall this is a fairly well-written and thoughtful essay. You might want to add a bit more detail to your examples, though.

"For example, there was a time when proposing that the world was round, instead of flat , or that the sun was the center of the universe, not earth, was considered blasphemy. It was easier for people of that era to understand that they were on the planet that was being orbited by all others."

Why is knowing the relative motion of the sun and the Earth an important truth?
"There was a time" When?
Why was this truth so fiercely fought by the Church? That is, why was it easier for people to believe that the sun orbited the Earth?

You could use similar sets of questions to guide you as you revise your other examples, too. Good luck.
OP nazgolg2000 1 / 1  
Apr 3, 2009   #3
Thanks for the feedback. The issue that you pointed out is exactly my problem in essay writing!!! I know that I'm not all that bad with words, but much to my shame, I don't have much general knowledge and information of historical events and details. I guess I don't read enough informative material. This is the second time I'm taking this test. The last time I thought I did a good job, but failed with a 44%. I thought it would do me good to read others' essay to catch up. Thanks again :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Apr 4, 2009   #4
Oh, that is an interesting point you made, about the difficulty of writing when you don't know much about the subject. That is why, when you write for your own creative projects (after school projects are out of the way) it is good to "write what you know," an old writing adage. Write what you know so well that you can't shut up about it. As for writing that is technically sound, though... your writing is free of errors. So, that is good. How did you get a 44%? Sometimes it is the tests that are wrong...


Home / Writing Feedback / "Important truths begin as.." (CLEP English Comp w/essay)