Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

'To improve my insight into medicine' - Why Medicine? Vanderbilt scholarship

kenyaboyfresh 7 / 17  
Dec 6, 2011   #1
Prompt: While each student will eventually select at least one area of concentrated study, the College of Arts and Science is committed to introducing every student to a broad range of subjects. Which academic interests and/or passions might be a part of your academic journey at Vanderbilt and why?

If somebody would have told me in eighth grade to consider medicine as a career choice, I would have laughed at them. Being young, I was close-minded to anything other than computer programming, but as I matured, I realized that computer programming was not my calling so I started opening my mind towards other career paths.

As I started high school, I became more social and in turn made new friends. Some of my new friends had parents who were in medicine so whenever I visited them, I would get a preview into a doctor's world. What I saw was very unappealing, long odd hours, and not enough family time. I did not want to be a doctor. Although I did not realize that what I was seeing was just one side of a doctor's life, I soon understood the other side, the practice side, at the beginning of my junior year when one of my mother's friends introduced me to a local ENT doctor who later became my mentor. I remember one time when I visited his house and he told me that he enjoys practicing medicine because of the feeling after a successful procedure when he sees a patient's smile. He then later told me that studying medicine takes a lot of hard work.

I began my journey of self-improvement in school by signing up for AP classes such as Biology, Chemistry, English, Calculus, and Statistics. While these classes as a whole helped me improve my study and time-management skills, they also had their individual benefits. For instance Biology and Chemistry helped improve my insight into medicine while English helped improve my writing skills and Statistics and Calculus helped improve my problem solving and analytic skills. I also started to participate in activities such as community service. Not only did I have the opportunity to help people of different ages by singing to the elderly or helping elementary kids with their reading and math skills, but I also had the opportunity to learn how to manage interactions with people of various ages which is an important quality for a doctor. By the end of my junior year, I took a chance to improve my leadership skills by serving as one of two student representatives on a School Board Committee and I later was awarded a Work Ethic Seal. Whenever I arrive in college, my goal is to become fluent in Spanish so that I may be able to communicate with a wider range of patients.

I am a hard working determined individual and I look forward to the academic challenges of a college campus. I am also aware that a medical career is very demanding and although I lack clinical exposure, I believe that my commitment for self-improvement and my determination will help in my pursuit of a medical career.
hwei1994 2 / 7  
Dec 6, 2011   #2
Well formulated essay.
Some general advice for revising:
1.More focus should be laid on your perspective of 'medicine'. Your inner-directed desire for pursuing a medical career does not appear until late 2nd para.

2.In the 1st para the contents related to computer programming just serve as context but that make no impression, due to beneficial interrelations(if intended) with medicine too subtle to be seen. Or you may delete this and update with a brief anecdote, quotation (not from celebrities but from somebody who influenced you a lot to favor medicine as a major), or some relevant 'eye-catchers'.

3.The last para draws no sense. The words 'hard working', 'determined', etc. are so much cliche; it's great that you've shown your hardwork and determination, but it's no use to merely literally repeat them, coz those words are, to some extent, 'vain' in one's self-description. Nonetheless these serve well in evaluations on your behalf.

Besides, if possible, try some fresh contents. Since you're aiming for Vanderbilt scholarship, you'd need to distinguish.

The words above might have been too much critic. Be sure that this is already wonderful.
Best wishes! :)

Home / Writing Feedback / 'To improve my insight into medicine' - Why Medicine? Vanderbilt scholarship