Please evaluate my essay. Thank you
children's excessive habit of gaming
Topic: Today many children spend a lot of time on playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Children nowadays dedicate a significant part of their time to video games instead of physical activities. This phenomenon stems from a host of factors, ranging from the improvements in game design to the negligence of parents. I opine that this development would be detrimental to a child's growth.
Game designers are striving to keep their players online for longer and parents appear reluctant to address this. Online games now have great visuals, a fascinating storyline, and a reward system, which makes playing games more appealing than playing sports. Specifically, gamers can gain instant rewards without going out and draining their bodies. Parents are also to blame as they give their offspring the permission and the tools. For example, Vietnamese parents are being heavily criticized for permitting their children to use smartphones nonstop, in return for their obedience, such as finishing their meals.
Excessive gaming impacts children negatively. Firstly, they may not engage in healthy social interactions, hence their lack of social skills in the future. Studies have suggested that real-life interactions help to hone children's soft skills and adapt their behaviors to social norms, which is critical to their competence in adulthood. Additionally, spending to much time on games adversely affect children's health. Heavy focus on computer games instead of working out would not only impair the body's growth but also severely affect mental stability.
In conclusion, parents' carelessness and sophisticated game technologies are the culprits for children's excessive habit of gaming. Young individuals should be restricted to playing games less and be encouraged to engage in sports with their peers, as it benefits their social life and wellbeing.@greynd
Hi there!
I'll do my best to help you with your essay.
First and foremost, you would find it beneficial if you can omit unnecessary and irrelevant words in your text. Doing this will sharpen your content, creating more optimal sentences. Once you have polished this, you will have more space to tackle essential parts of your essay. Remember that depth cannot be attained if you cannot expound your content.
Secondly, consistency is important when you are writing. Make sure that the forms of the words you are using are all aligned with one another. This will help you create a more formal language in your essay.
Thirdly, be cautious of the way you transition between your sentences. I have noticed that you have a tendency to create baffling and inorganic (unnatural) transitions. These do not assist your essay in the long-run. You need to establish a more firm boundary.
With these things in mind, let's revise a few parts of your essay to give you a clearer picture of what I mean by these comments.
Game designers are striving strive to keep their players longer online; for longer and parents appear...
... great visuals, a fascinating storylines, and a reward systems, which makescausing playing games to be more appealing than playing sports. Specifically, gGamers can ... going out and draining their bodies. ... give their offspring children ...
I hope this has helped somehow. Best of luck in your writing!
Hi,
Your idea is good, overall look ok. But in my experience, it looks like a little bit short i suppose,
Like Maria said, you should focus on more on lexical resources.
Wish you the best.
Hi there,
I think your opinion in the essay is quite clear, with a wide range of vocabularies you have used.
However, I think that you should add more examples so that they can help your essay more convinced. LIke, you should mention what soft skills children could improve when playing outdoor (teamwork skill, problem-solving), what health problems (eyes strain, obesity) children may have when playing games.
Another advice is that you should use more linking words before giving your explainations, like you can use In fact, To explain. I think it will help your essay's coherence.
Hope that my comments will be helpful for you, you can also give my essay some advice to if you can.
