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Writing IELTS task 2 - should we increase the age of retirement?

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Oct 19, 2018   #1
Hi everyone, I am a newbie here. I want to improve my writing skill for the IELTS test, therefore would love to hear from you who are experienced and possess an advanced level of English. For my below piece of writing, I hope to hear feedback on my word choice, how appropriate my examples are, grammar and vocabulary accuracy, coherence, cohesion and lexical resource.

Thank you very much!

how old must be a person to stop being a worker?

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably.
To what extent to you agree or disagree?

With human beings' improved longevity, the age at which a general civil should stop working has remained a controversy. While some argue there is no need for any change to be implemented, I personally think it is crucial to raise the retiring age proportionately to how much longer a person can live nowadays.

To begin with, raising the retiring age benefits the society as a whole. With individuals spending more of their lifetime working, more products and service could be produced. To be more specific, there will be more teachers staying at school to educate children, more workers to manufacture iPhones, more doctors in hospitals to save lives, and the list goes on. Additionally, the more time people devote to work, the less government has to pay for pension. For example, in Japan, government is concerned about the fast aging population, one of the reasons behind which is the elderly could become a great financial burden on their shoulders. Therefore, it is obvious to see working longer will not only bring more income but also reduce expenditure, in other words, boost a society's economy.

The second reason why I support extending a person's working years is the implementation of it is also beneficial directly to individuals themselves. First, people would have more years to earn money and feed their families. They definitely could have pension when retiring but the amount of it is far behind from what flows into their pocket monthly as working salary. Second, the more years people work, the less years they have to suffer from depression. My father's case could offer an example. Ever since he stopped working, though having told himself about the possible psychological disorder and empty feeling it might come, he could not help collapsing and falling right into a severe depression. The illness has lasted for many years and has yet to stop presently despite signs that he is recovering. My father is not alone, there are a great number of cases where retiring individuals go through the same problem which affects not only themselves but also their families. This has lead me to the conclusion that we can reduce the years of enduring post-retirement psychological trauma by replacing them with years of working.

All in all, with the pros that working longer presents to both society and people themselves, I am convinced that government should impose a new law regarding raising the retiring age now that human's longevity is greatly improved.

Holt [Contributor] - / 7,694 2049  
Oct 20, 2018   #2
Nguyen, let's start with the parts of this essay that you got right. The two reasoning paragraphs in the body of the essay actually develop good discussions in support of increasing the age of retirement. These are supported by strong examples that everyone can understand the logic behind your reasoning comes across clearly. However, that is not to say that you wrote the perfect or passing essay.

The first problem with your essay is that you failed to answer the question as indicated in the original prompt which is: To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement? Based on your response, I take it that your answer in the prompt paraphrase section should have been "I totally agree with the belief that the age of retirement must be increased." Then then your reasoning paragraphs would have been more effective in its presentation of its discussion points.

Speaking of discussion points, your reasoning paragraphs need to be complete within only 5 sentences, not 6 or more as you presented here. Believe me, you will run out of time to write this essay when you complete more than 5 sentences. Your writing proves that you do not have a clear idea of what the sentences should represent which are:

1. Topic sentence introduction
2. Reasoning
3. Supporting factors
4. Example (optional)
5. Transition sentence.

The lack of these clear single sentence presentations is what made your essay extremely long and somewhat unfocused in certain points. You kept using word fillers in order to simply write more in the hopes of increasing your LR and GRA scores. When you do that, the C&C aspect is what suffers in the end. Which is why I always tell my students, a long essay does not mean you wrote a good essay nor a passing essay. Such type of writing merely turns the practice test into an English vocabulary building exercise which is not what you should be focused on in this essay. One example is enough, you do not need several to make your point. Just make one point and fully explain it.

You failed to present a proper concluding summary at the end. The concluding paragraph should have indicated a shortened version of your full essay by enumerating the topic, reasons, and your extent response. Yes, it is another discussion paraphrase only this time, it closes the essay presentation instead of opening it. Since you indicated that you believe that the government should impose a new age law, you actually opened a new discussion topic, which means this essay is not concluded at all in terms of discussion. That will have a direct affect on your TA score.

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