Essay topic: Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Living with my family is important and essential to me. I'm a young adult,and I prefer to stay
apart with my parents than moving outside. There are several reasons as followed.
In the first place,as the price of renting an apartment getting higher and higher,living at home
saves money. It would probably save about one hundred and fifty dollars a month. As a taxi driver,it is a large number to me.
In the second place,living at home improves the relationship between me and my family. I could
stay with my parents,my grandmother,my younger brother,and my younger sister. In the weekend,my uncle usually visit our house,bringing his family. By having a family reunion every week,we shares happiness and joy.
In the third place,my grandmother needs my help. She has an disease in her lungs,and she couldn't walk by herself that she always sit on the wheelchair. Moreover,my parents are getting older,and they might feel tired taking care of her. Thus,I am the one who is responsible and suitable to take care of my grandma.
In conclution,taking good care of my family,having a good relationship,and saving money is such a wonderful thing to me. So I prefer to live in my original house.
You have some subject verb agreement problem, and I suggest you should work careful on that.
Second and third paraghaps can be combined because these are the same point ("In the second place..."+"In the third place..." =same point= "improve relationship")
Hope I can help!
=>..and I prefer to stay apart with my parents than moving outside=> "Stay apart"="separate" (So I guess you misunderstood "apart"
=> As a taxi driver,it is a large number to me=> (you have misplace modifier)=>As a taxi driver, I cannot afford such that high cost.
=>In the weekend,my uncle usually visits our house...(verb tense with "s")
=>...family reunions every week, we share happiness and joy (verb tense "we" with no "s" for verb "share", "family" as a singular,and then use "s" for verb reunion )
=>...,and she cannot walk by herself that she always sits ...(verb tense-you're talking now- use present tense, "sit" with "s")
=>...taking good care of my family,having a good relationship,and saving money are such a wonderful thing to me (taking+having+saving=plural, so use "are" instead of "is"
I'm a young adult,and I prefer to stay apart with my parents than moving outside. There are several reasons. as followed. (Add a sentence that tells about your main reason or a theme that can help the reader remember your essay.)
She has an disease that affects her lungs, and she cannot walk by herself, so she always sits on the wheelchair.
Moreover,my parents are getting older,and they might feel tired taking care of her. Thus,I am the one who is responsible and suitable to take care of my grandma.---You sound like an excellent person.
In conclution conclusion, taking good care of my family,having a good relationship,and saving money is are such wonderful things to me.
:-)
Everyone wants to earn money oneday from himself and become an independent. I think becoming independent in aults lives is better than relying on families for longer time. Becoming independent learns a lot to young adults. It has two advantages.
First, young adults understand the value of time. Time is very important in life. If we miss time, we may loose much more. For example, if I reach at job late, I may get fired and I may loose money. These types of situations make young adults aware about time importance.
Second, young adults understance the value of money. Money is a need of poor people to get food and we only realise when we do not have at some situation. For example, My friend, Jayesh wanted to complete his bachelor program but he could not complete it because his father died in middle of the study and he had to go for job to earn money. At that time, he realized that he might have started earn money or he might have started saving. He would complete his program.
Being an independent in younghood will give starting experience of entire their lives. They may have chance to learn more in their younghood and they may capable to deal with possible problems which may come in their rest of lives. For example, I get a total burden of my life expenses rather than giving to my parents. I will become aware about managing money for my future expenses. If I want to complete my master program, I will start saving money from couple of years, ago which may not create more money problem in middle of the study or starting of it. I will learn how to manage life in my younghood.
In brief, I think being indepedent in young age teach lots of things. It teaches time management, money management and also makes aware of money value.
Word count : 318
I do not know what happened but I have posted again. After first posting, it disappeared.
First, I think you should avoid to use simple sentences, try to use complex sentences, your mark will higher.
Next, don't use specific example like my friend ...
Use impersonal structures instead of personal ones.
For example, if I reach at job late, I may get fired and I may loose money. These types of situations make young adults aware about time importance. ----> Do not use "I"
Reach at job late ?? I've never heard it before. In my situation, I will use : For example, if one does not go to work on time, one may get fired ...
"loose money" ?? Cut down their salary ?
"aware about time importance." --> aware about the importance of time.
--> Check your grammar and spelling again.
Hope my comments will help you.
One more point, you need to comment two other topic if you want to post more threads. Read the instruction.
hello,
i saw your essay, here is some ideas:
- you have less evidences to support your essay, and some places confused me, i don't know what you want to talk about!
-according to the rule of toefl test, Number of words in your article does not meet the requirements
-i think you should make a writing templates to improve your essay from entirely.
good luck!
