TOEFL Independent Writing-having fun playing game or doing thing with HW

Dear all, this is probably the first time I do the TOEFL independent writing. Are you willing to give me any opinion to make it perfect.......please... thanks a lot!!

parents should save some time for kids

Question:
Some people believe that when busy parents do not have a lot of time to spend with their children, the best use of that time is to have fun playing games or sports. Others believe that it is best to use that time to do things together that are related to schoolwork. Which of the two approaches do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Answer.
In my perspective, I would like to pay attention with my busy parents on the fun games or sports, especially exercise together. Parents are likely to be sick of the indoor activities since they have stayed in the office throughout the whole day. Having difficulty in going outside during the work, parents obviously enjoy having fun with kids. The bases for my views are educational, emotional and healthy.

Educationally, children should regard their schoolwork as their own responsibility instead of asking parents for the answers. Being in charge of their own study is a crucial factor for growing-up, children have to learn how to solve academic problems by themselves. By this kind of independent training, the children will adapt to accomplish everything by themselves. Besides, children would not attribute their failure in academic performance to their parents who were not able to help children in study. In conclusion, there is no doubt that the best use of the time is to have fun playing game or sports for both parents and children.

From an emotional perspective, playing games or sports can intrigue the positive energy which can solidify the family's relationship in contrast of the stressful schoolwork. As usual, we take the schoolwork seriously by correcting every detail and avoiding any missing assignments. In the atmosphere of tension, the parents are likely to blame children for any tiny mistakes they make. Compared to the above situation, playing a game not only be the relax time for parents but also provides the positive energy among family.

Healthy-speaking, spending time outdoor makes people healthier. It has been proven that keeping sitting on the chair or sofa is harmful to human body. Without walking or exercising, the Basal metabolism will decrease which deeply affects our health and leads to lots of diseases. Therefore, if parents spend the rest of the time playing sports with children, the whole family may get rid of the obesity.

To sum up, spending the time in playing game or sports is beneficial to both parents and children from the above perspectives and the effect it provides is beyond our imagination.

Lilo, you have written a level 3 essay presentation. You have some difficulty in forming sentences that have an understandable meaning for the reader and there are times when your paragraphs are not as cohesive and coherent as you hope they would be. These all stem from your word / sentence formation problem in the essay. Here are some sample sentences that leave the reader wondering about what it is you are trying to say:


- The first sentence explains an action but does not offer a subject. In the next sentence, there is again a series of verbs but no subject to agree with. The thought process is incomplete in both presentations. This is caused by a lack of proper sentence development for the presentation. Try to practice simple sentence formations when you are not doing practice essay tests to improve in this area.


- So this is the ending of the essay? Then why is there a continued discussion after it? Never say, "In conclusion" unless you are actually concluding the essay discussion already.

I believe you have over discussed this topic. You need to simplify your discussions and use only about 2 supporting paragraphs to leave time for the paper editing. At this point, the essay is long, but is not accurately proof-read nor presented to the reader. There is room for improvement but you are off to a good start essay writing wise.