Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Independent toefl essay - People do what they like to do rather than doing things they should do


salmanhaleemi 1 / -  
Nov 2, 2019   #1
prompt:

people spend too much time on personal enjoyment


- they do what they like to do rather than doing things they should do.

From the time being, this talk is of the great debate because spending time on personal enjoyment may include various things which I guess everybody will have to do. For instance, going out with the kids or with the family. These are the things which include personal enjoyment but, every person should do it. Moreover, I do believe that people spend too much time on leisure activities. They do because, they have access to internet, television and many more, which could waste their crucial time. I do believe because of the following reasons.

First, a person who travels a lot and go to concerts, watching movies in theatres could waste their precious time. Nowadays, competition is strong in each and every sector, and instead of thinking about their great future they waste their time on unimportant activities. For example, my nephew, who lives with me from the past ten years. He used to go to school every day on time. He was a big fan of a football team FC Barcelona and started watching every game of theirs. So, he wasted his time and got lower marks in the college. That's why he is facing a difficulty in taking an admission in university.

Second, the internet access and technology have made people to waste their time watching everything online and play games. Instead, to do a research on important topic they waste their time on watching movies and series on a various online portal available. For instance, my nephew besides watching football started watching films and drama series on a popular online website Netflix, he was addicted to it and doesn't slept on time as a result he can't wake up early in the morning to go to his college hence, losing all the important lectures.

To conclude, I would say that people should concentrate to achieve their goals rather wasting their time on extracurricular activities. These activities are so devastating that a person will have to bear long term consequences.
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Nov 3, 2019   #2
@salmanhaleemi
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us again should you have additional details/information that you want to share!

While I appreciate the approach to writing in the first paragraph, I find that you have a tendency to over stretch the content. For example, you create separate sentences to seemingly lengthen your composition. What I would prefer is that you merge sentences that have the same core thoughts with them. The first paragraph is a clear-cut example of this. You should merge the first two sentences, afterwards the third to the fifth ones. If you are able to do this, it will make your wording and structure a lot more concise (hence, more professional).

The latter parts of the text should be treated with the same regard. The second paragraph needs to be integrated and treated with the same regard, especially because you are working with a more substantive written work.

To balance everything out, the conclusion should not be left hanging just like what you have done. Make it into a concrete paragraph instead of a seemingly rushed one.


Home / Writing Feedback / Independent toefl essay - People do what they like to do rather than doing things they should do