In education and employment, some people work harder than others.
Why do some people work harder?
Due to some reasons, barely any individuals like to put forth additional attempts at their establishments and working environments when contrasted with their friends. This essay will outline the cause. Moreover, from my perspective, this trend brings them a wide range of demerits.
That working more harder is attributed to numerous reasons. First of all, a breathtaking career in future is the major motivator that drive them to outperform in their enviroment. For examble, in education, a high ability- degree is always an exceptional outcome which they archieved after not only a ponderous but also long progress, thus, they will be high rately employed in a well-known corparation. For employment, hardworking staffs simply are promoted to a higher position. Sencondly, in case of education, understudies are urged to invest additional amounts of energy into their educational plan. Since teachers are bound to see the value in such splendid kids, who have passing marks. By best performents, they are tent to have a well-point by instructors. In this way, really buckling down can give critical compensations to exceptionally energetic individuals.
Continuing on, while enterprising nature is considered as a recipe that prompts achievement, exhaust could have adverse results. Outworking can lead to unwanted consequence such as inorgintg social activities. Especially, they can face some health problems as conspicuous as obesity, exhausted due to their duration they sit without movement or doing too much. Finally, that everyone all thinks that working hard is the only way that help them have opportunities to promote is a wrong concern in the age that almost evething can buy and do by pay money or relationship, therefore, it is a disadvantage for who try hard to archieve their wishes regardless of how industriousness they are.
Taking everything into account, albeit difficult work can be helpful to have better review and fruitful profession, not every one of the outcomes of its have been positive.
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The first paragraph does not focus on a proper restatement of the original topic. It fails to outline the response reasons as well. It does not establish a correct rewording and writer opinion that could be the basis of the English comprehension and preliminary response skills of the student in that paragraph.
Reasons used in the essay tend to range from irrelevant to relevant. Since the reference phrase in the essay is "work harder", then the connotation is that it refers to a professional aspect of life rather than educational. Though both reasons are acceptable for the discussion, the paragraphs tend to be confusing and difficult to connect with one another since the topics covered diverge in the presentation and the writer makes no effort to connect the 2 in the consideration.
A focus only on the reasons have been provided. The consideration as to whether is a good or bad thing is not effectively developed in the presentation. While several reasons as provided, these are not supported by discussion sentences that prove the point. So the paragraph does not come across as well thought out and developed.
It is difficult to say that this essay will get a passing score consideration. Aside from the problems above, there is also the problem when it comes to the way he forms his sentences. While he has some useful English vocabulary, the way he uses his existing knowledge creates confusing idea presentations that make it difficult for the reader to understand what he is trying to convey. The ideas and presentation are often disconnected due to the grammar problem and leaves the reader confused about the overall presentation. The writer should focus on developing his English vocabulary and sentence writing skills before proceeding with his practice essays.
I think the first paragraph is quite confusing and it doesn't help people understand your main purpose. The first sentence of the second paragraph is also confusing too and you have some issues with your grammar, e.g. more harder.
Since the topic of discussion is why some people work harder in education and employment, I think the first paragraph contrasts the topic as you've mentioned that, "....... barely any individuals......put forth attempts....."
I also think that you can explain why people work hard in education, then explain in employment then tie the two to make the essay flow.
The second paragraph is somewhat weak and confusing. For example, the causality between hardworking and obesity is based on the assumption that working hard means inactivity or "doing too much". The following point is contradicting in which the writer states that we live in a time where everything can be bought with money, but that hard working is not the only way to make money. Examples of how else to achieve this may make this idea clearer. Moreover, the topic doesn't seem to ask to discuss the negative effects of working hard.
These are my humble opinions, and I apologize for misinterpreting any ideas of the writer.