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IELTS-Writing task - work for unemployed individuals outbalances the lack of jobs

Liliy 12 / 13 6  
Apr 9, 2015   #1
Some people believe that unemployed people should be made to work for their welfare/benefit payments. Others, however, see this as cheap labour.
Discuss the possible advantages and disadvantages of making unemployed people take any job.

Do you believe that making unemployed people work is a good idea.

(See below)
EF_Jasmine - / 68 39  
Apr 9, 2015   #2

I have placed edits and suggestions below:

Recently, unemployment ( unemployed) individuals (have) become a major problem in many countries. For this reason, a great number of people think that making o work unemployed people (work) should be given special treatment as their profitable payment. While, other(s) people assume that they( what is cheaper? what is work to work? please clarify this sentence) are cheaper worker to work, there is no doubt in my mind that some outweighs and drawbacks have been possible this view will make unemployed people working in better payment.

The first outweigh is that giving opportunity to other people who do not have jobs will give well financial with good payments. (The) National w orkers o rganization in America shows that 85 percent of jobless people are individuals with good skill(s) particularly soft skill(s) when they studied at (a) university. As a result, it is acceptable if companies can provide (a) possibility for them to obtain better job in their companies. ( Capitalize all words in the organization)

Another reason of this is that This alleviating( alleviates) the number of jobless people that is containing economic necessity (and) will influence more life aspects. Result shows that employing minimum 30 percent of people from jobless individuals in one region can absorb the number of unemployed people that make career opportunist. Consequently, (the) unemployed rate will decrease significantly if this can (be) actualize(d) to real action.

On the other hand, some (the) drawbacks of this will make people think twice before giving jobless people a job. Firstly, people, who do not have job in the first time (may?) have (a) minimum in requirement in a specific work. The Company will spend more money to educate them until they have good skill. Second of all, making mistake (s) is becoming more and more problems (problematic) for unemployed people. As it can make a company having (have an) unwell reputation. In addition, some negative views about unemployed individuals such as depending on government and do (may) not have motivation to work will influence environment.

The aforementioned evidence proves that although there are some demerits from jobless people, we should consider that more merits when we employ unemployed people to work in our companies. ( Add a few more sentences to this paragraph)

Hi! You have good points! I enjoyed reading about this topic. Some of your sentences can be confusing with the wordiness. I notice you miss articles ( the, an, a) to make the sentence clear. I would also suggest you work on practicing with words that need S's at the ends and words with tenses to make the sentence clear. Overall you have a good argument here, and I have added suggestions that may help! Good luck!
OP Liliy 12 / 13 6  
Apr 10, 2015   #3
Hi Mrs. Jasmine thank you so much for all of your suggestion .. those can too help me to improve my writing.

please clarify this sentence) are cheaper worker to work , there is no doubt ...

are cheaper worker to work ~> in this sentence it means that i try to emphasize employing unemployed people is cheaper in a payment.

Thank you

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