ways to achieve world peace
International sports events bring crowds of people together to a common venue where an atmosphere of compassion and harmony can be observed, however, to achieve world peace, I believe that efforts at a much larger scale must be made and they should not be confined to any particular, short-term sports event.
To start with, events such as Football World Cup, on one hand have the capability of contributing to world peace achievement. They let people get together and share their views on various conflicts among nations. It can help changing the minds of spectators, however these interventions soon dissolve into insignificance as soon as the event finishes. Moreover, people tend to focus on entertainment more as they cheer for their respective nation and players while there are also chances of riots and violence when they do not control their emotions. Such incidents can escalate tensions among nations. Thus, the impact is limited and brief in achieving world peace.
On the contrary, much larger efforts need to be made to obtain harmony throughout the world. Firstly, greater equality is to be established in terms of growth and progress which can come from activities other than sports events. For example, countries that have abundant resources must understand the needs of the third world where peace can come from raising the standard of individual lives. Threats that are most disturbing peace in the world, such as nuclear war, famine, poverty and environmental dangers, should be tackled by united approach by all nations.
In conclusion, it is imperative that we concentrate on programs and agendas that work on fulfilling the core requirements to achieve world peace, other than spending too much on international sports events.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,726 4511
Hardeep, your opening paragraph is a run-on sentence that does not display a correct interpretation of the original prompt. You are giving a personal opinion with information being discussed instead of responding to the prompt with a proper thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. Here is an example of a proper paraphrase for this topic:
Sporting events have long been considered to be a good way of promoting world peace. Events like the Football World Cup have long been promoted as a unifying force in the world. I disagree with this belief for a number of reasons.
To begin with...
Notice how you did not respond to the question posed by the prompt requirement in the version that you wrote? While this is an opinion paper, it must present a response to the discussion instruction before any actual discussion of the facts can take place in the second paragraph. The discussion for this essay must be in the single opinion format as you are not being asked to discuss both points of view in this essay. You need to take ownership of the opinions being presented by indicating a personal belief through the use of first person pronouns.
Additionally, the best representation of your opinion in this essay would have been better represented if you had indicated the personal opinion that you presented at the end of the opening statement. I refer to the sentence that indicates:
I believe that efforts at a much larger scale must be made and they should not be confined to any particular, short-term sports event.
That could have been better developed as the sole reason for your disagreement within 3 body paragraphs. I believe the essay would have been stronger and better focused in terms of discussion if you concentrated on presenting supporting facts for the aforementioned line of reasoning instead.
You concluding paragraph is faulty. It does not represent an accurate summary of the discussion within 3 sentences. This is another run-on sentence and therefore, does not suit the C&C requirements in terms of paragraph presentation.