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Internet marketing of four different business retails in New Zeland is depicted in the pie chart


Ilmi_03 47 / 69 11  
May 24, 2016   #1
The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

A breakdown of the information about internet marketing of four different business retails in New Zeland is depicted in the pie chart. It is measured in percentage between 2003 and 2013. Overall, it can be seen that, travel and clothes decreased slightly, while other sectors witnessed a sharp incline over one decade period.

With regards to the two highest percentages of online business, in 2003, travel sector stood at 36%, dominated the whole proportions of sales, while clothes started at 24. Suddenly, the following year saw a downward trend of both sectors. The commerce in travel fall sharply to 16% and 29% for clothes, roughly a 8%-decrease per one decade.

Turning to the other two sectors, the sale for books and film/music sales saw the lowest figures in 2003, at 19% and 21% respectivelly. However, the commerce of books increased to 22% after ten years later. The film/music business experienced a significant growth to the highest level of 33%, dominated the other sectors at the end of period.




ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 24, 2016   #2
Nurul, I notice that you've been using similar pattern of writing Task 1 like I usually write. This is an outstanding improvement anyway. I hope you can maintain this pattern of writing, since mastering 1 or 2 types of writing is better than frequently changing it. However, this essay still needs perfection, or modification. Therefore, I would come up with some corrections that you can check it below:

- ...retails in New ZelandZealand ... (spelling)
- The commerce in travel fallfell sharply to 16%... (remember, past tense)
- ...at 19% and 21% respectivelly.respectively/successively.(spelling)
- In the following ten years, However, the commerce of books increased to 22%. after ten years later.(I'm not quite sure about this, but putting 'after ten years later' makes the time signal is unclear. I gave an alternative option)

- The film/music business experienced a significant growth to the highest level of 33%, dominated the other sectorswhich appeared as the majority at the end of period. (I did an alteration to reduce repetitiveness from your previous paragraph)

As you can see, some modifications have been made to improve the quality of your writing. I hope you can follow through my feedback above. Good luck for the next practice :)


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