Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 6


GRE AW Issue 69. "Government should place few, if any, restrictions...



jade 2 / 7  
Mar 30, 2010   #1
69. "Government should place few, if any, restrictions on scientific research and development"

I agree with the speaker's statement that scientific research should, and would be better off when left freestanding. But there are desperate times when national needs override the independency nature of the researching crusade.

First of all, my contention with the speaker is largely derived from numerous case study. Shining names of those giant scientists and inventors are seldom honored and remembered as government's stooge. They are, more often than not, regular individuals with a keen interest and impressive gift, or working men simply driven by what the their job calls for. For example, the Wright brothers, two young men from Hitty Hawk, Ohio, endeared themselves to the world with their genius invention of the first glider. With pitch, roll and yaw-three simple yet brilliant controls - they conquered the world below them. So it may seem a little incongruous that the brothers were just two humble bicycle mechanics, compared with their shiny achievement. Here, it is their interest in flying birds, other than any outer influence that plays a history-altering roll in the aerospace business. Another apt example would be Ali Whitney, as a common worker, he demonstrates cotton gin, one of the most important inventions in the American history. The motivation for him to devise the machine is the predicament which his badly understaffed plantation was going through. None of the aforementioned names became well known for governmental factors.

Also, another overwhelming reason for my point lies in the common sense that scientific research and development happens to be a course which depends largely and closely on forrunner's achievements. It is a gradual and natural process in which human knowledge accumulates throughout time and history. Today, there is little possibility to find a person who has not been affected by Thomas Edison, for the talented scientist invented the electric bulb which illuminated the whole world down to present. We should not, however, give credits entirely to Edison alone for the accomplishment, because long before his contribution, there were bulbs existing already. Only not as practical as his. It's safe to say that If it were not for those predecessors' discovery and improvement, humanity may well be waiting for a longer time to enjoy economical and safe electricity. One( and even Edison) could hardly develop a comprehensive grasp of the electric technology field in his lifetime. Mandatory orders "requiring" the researcher to devise a notion and carry it right away into fruition would simply be ridiculous and impractical.

Having said that, the government does retain the power and right to interfere scientific research, as long as it has good grounds for the enforcement. National security, societal stability, to name a few, are all justifiable reasons for them to doing so. One need not to look further into the history, just half a century ago, the second world war was teem with such examples. The British government ordered its top scientists to work on national defense-related discipilines, and not long after that, radar was invented to protect the British from German Luftwaffe. The US government jump-started the Manhattan Project, which gave birth to two bombs code-named Fat Man and Little Boy; they are the first glimpse of nuclear weapon witnessed by the whole world.

Moreover, it is also advisable for the government to place detailed yokels on certain fields which scientists are not encouraged to delve into. Take the hot issue surrogacy for instance, there are regulations and strictures on both the doctor and the client. As a biomedical scientific advancement, surrogacy itself represents the victory of human knowledge over infertility. As a social topic, nevertheless, it remains controversial. Because during the process of waiting for the surrogate mother to carry to full term, infertile couples could undergo not only anxiety and strenuous legal problems, but also the moral interrogation of "buying a child". The same is true with clone technology. Stirring up such emotions and debates serves no good to societal stability, rather, it may generate a pandemic hysteria. Thus, scientific research turns out to serve a counterproductive purpose to our humanity.

In general, scientific research and development is by nature free; it could not and should not be fettered by government's will. But when problems which apparently the central government is able to deal with cries out for solution, it is justifiable for the leaders to impose caveats and restrictions on certain domain, so long as they are doing it for the public good.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Apr 1, 2010   #2
numerous case study studies.

...or working men and women simply driven...

Your first paragraph does not show a contention with the statement. You are supposed to be showing what is wrong with the statement. I thought your first paragraph would talk about times when it is necessary for the government to impose restrictions.

Your intro paragraph needs to be extended so that it clearly states your criticisms of the speaker's statement.

Moreover, it is also advisable for the government to place detailed yokels on certain fields --- yes, this is what you should have as your focus, I think. The speaker suggests that it might even be most appropriate if the government used NO restrictions. I think you should look at each paragraph of this essay and ask yourself if the topic sentence clearly makes a point to challenge this idea that government restrictions are inappropriate.

For example, this sentence below tells that the government DOES but you should tell why the government SHOULD:
Having said that, the government does retain the power and right to interfere scientific research, as long as it has good grounds for the enforcement.

:-)
OP jade 2 / 7  
Apr 2, 2010   #3
Thanks a lot Kevin, I guess I misused the adversative "but", this word suggests the importance of the latter part of the sentence. So I changed my intro passage as follows:

"There are times when a country's national interests override the independency nature of scientific research. Generally, however, I essentially agree with the speaker's statement that scientific development should be left freestanding."

GRE Analytical Writing heavily emphasizes that our essay shall be critical and insightful. This essay, however, I might kinda write it too weak by not taking a side.

my sentence structure remians childish, the whole essay is teemed with ridiculous grammatical& spelling mistakes. and the test is only 8 days away.

Feel a little depressed...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Apr 2, 2010   #4
I was not sure about the word "independency." It might be okay, but it might not. I'm not sure... But you could write it this way:

"There are times when a country's national interests override the importance of the independency independent nature of scientific research. Generally, however, I essentially agree with the speaker's statement that scientific development should be left freestanding." I also crossed out "essentially" because it seems like too much after you already used "generally."

Don't be depressed!! Your writing is great. It is definitely not childish, and the mistakes are few.

I was looking at it again just now, and I think you should feel confident. One way to improve is like this:
Whenever you write the first sentence of a paragraph, keep it simple and focused on the main idea of the paragraph. Use this formula: say it, explain it, and then say it again. The first sentence of a body paragraph can introduce the paragraph's main idea, and the last sentence of the paragraph can reflect on that same idea. In the middle of the paragraph, give explanation and/or an example.

Look at this sentence and notice that what it says does not support your argument:
Having said that, the government does retain the power and right to interfere scientific research, as long as it has good grounds for the enforcement. --- This is confusing, because you are not supposed to be saying that it DOES, but rather, that it SHOULD.

Anyway, rest assured, you will do wel on the test. I think you might not realize how good your writing is. It is above average. As you prepare for the test, take a minute to google this:

How to Write a Perfect GRE Analytical Writing Essay
OP jade 2 / 7  
Apr 3, 2010   #5
Thanks very much Kevin! I really appreciate your academic help and your kind encouragement!
I read the article long time ago, but as the saying goes, easier said than done. Anyway, I will keep trying. That "does vs. should" mistake, I did not recognise it when you first pointed out for me, I guess that's the difference between a native and a foreigner, this kind of differences are nuanced, but they do exist. They are something could only be overcome by constant practice and honing.

I will keep writing, and sincerely hope that I could kkeep getting your valuable feedbacks :p
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Apr 4, 2010   #6
this kind of differences are nuanced, but they do exist. They are something could only be overcome by constant practice and honing.

Yes, differences are subtle!! That is why I tell people to practice by reading aloud. You have to get in the correct habits with your use of the language, so it helps to read aloud, because that makes your whole mind focus on the sight and sound of the words used correctly.

Be glad you are bilingual!! I wish I was. :-)


Home / Writing Feedback / GRE AW Issue 69. "Government should place few, if any, restrictions...
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳