Unanswered [3]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 5


[IELTS] Issue on Retirement Age! Agree or Disagree?



Hai An Hoang 1 / -  
Sep 10, 2013   #1
Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. What extent do you agree or disagree?[

There is a growing recognition that thanks to the improvement of the life quality, the human expectancy has went up substantially; therefore, some people believed that the government should increase the retirement age. This doing will bring many benefits to the social security; however, it also has many drawbacks on the communities. I'm convinced that the government should not raise the retirement age because of the following reasons.

To begin with, one of the vital downside of higher retirement age is that the health problems will rocket up when people are getting older. According to the report conducted by the American scientists, the percentages of people aged over 60 suffer from serious diseases like stroke, blood pressure ... are higher than the young. Moreover, the growth in lifespan does not entirely imply that people are healthier. In spite of the enhancement of the medical care in extending the longevity, it seems that these advanced techniques do not have so many effects on the health prior to the last few years of life.

Another reason why government should not increase the age at which people stop work is the decrease in productivity when people are over 60. Blue collar workers are the typical examples for this drawback. Manual jobs require them to work excessively long hours, so their bodies have worn out by the time they enter the 60s. As a result, they are not able to dedicate themselves fully to their jobs, leading to the fall in working efficiency. In addition, for the intellectual works, although the elderly is the source of experience workforce, their memories also drop substantially years by years, so actually they do not satisfied to the work demands.

Last but not least, extending the retirement age means higher unemployment for the youth. In fact, many conservative recruitment companies in Viet Nam and in other Asian countries do not change the way they thinking that senior labors work more effectively than the junior ones because the elderly has many experiences. These companies are also not willing to spend their money on training the young, so it is more difficult for young people to enter the labor market.

In conclusion, citizens and communities are affected by the higher retirement age with health problems, fall in productivity and higher unemployment for the young. Therefore, there is little room for doubt that the government should not increase the retirement age.

septem1821 3 / 24  
Sep 10, 2013   #2
Introduction:There is a growing recognition that thanks to the improvement of the life quality, the human expectancy has went up substantially; therefore, some people believed that the government should increase the retirement age. This doing will bring many benefits to the social security; however, it also has many drawbacks on the communities. I'm convinced that the government should not raise the retirement age because of the following reasons.

a)some people believed-------we should write believe not believed because they are still believing. it should be in simple present.
b)This doing will bring many benefits to the social security; however, it also has many drawbacks on the communities. ------here, they asked whether do you agree or not. so your view should be straight in the introduction. you should not write that it has both pros and cons. you should stick to pros or cons.

introduction--1)general situation of the given topic in the society
2)rewrite the given statement in other way
3) agree or not-- if it is agree or disagree essay.

Body: your points
and

your conclusion.

sorry, if it doesn't help you.
gmad06 20 / 143  
Sep 10, 2013   #3
There are grammar and vocabulary errors but I would just focus more on the content. I think having two
ideas as a response to the theory would be sufficient, three looks a bit crowded in my opinion.

In addition, your first idea somehow contradicts your introduction. The idea in the first paragraph is about the health hazards of
an employee but in your introduction you mentioned that quality of life improved.
I think it is better two stick with both ideas, productivity and unemployment rates, these aspects undoubtedly are sufficient to make your
essay strong.

hope this helps...
dumi 1 / 6793  
Sep 18, 2013   #4
There is a growing recognition that thanks to the improvement of the life quality, the human expectancy has went up substantially; therefore, some people believed that the government should increase the retirement age

This sentence has several issues with its grammar, clarity, punctuation etc. Do not write too lengthy sentences that make you carried away at the end of the line. The first part sounds pretty confusing.
Pahan 1 / 1824  
Sep 18, 2013   #5
To begin with, one of the vital downside of higher retirement age is that the health problems will rocketgrow up when people are getting older.

.... don't use synonyms if you are not very familiar with their usage. They may mean something very different. Also, there are differences in expressing ideas in different languages. A usage in one language may not be appropriate for another language. So, be careful when you try out new sayings.

To begin with, as people grow older, their health condition gets deteriorated.


Home / Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Issue on Retirement Age! Agree or Disagree?
ⓘ Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms for professional help:

Best Writing Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳