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Essay about job contribution. I need mentors advice, remark, write score band...



wind0111 2 / -  
May 26, 2017   #1
WT_Task 2 20/5/2017
Some people think a job not only provides income but also social life. Others think it is better to develop social life with people you do not work with. Discuss both view and give your opinion?

What are the benefits of having a stable job?



Some people believe that entering a job supplies people with not only enough money for them in order to allocate essential human needs but also social relationships. Although there is some truth to that statement, I tend towards the viewpoint that occupied individuals should socialize with non-colleagues.

On the one hand, staying in profession can support people not only make adequate money to make ends meet but also expand social life in their workplace are undeniable. As a matter fact, having a stable job allows people to solve basic human survival need namely: pay for housing, bills of heath care, moving, educations. Moreover, as a tendency, a great deal of youngsters switch careers to enquire a vacancy with good salary, which assist them having a chane heightenning social living standards. Secondly, in under today's context of globalisation and international intergrationt where diffirent cultures cross, individual can interact with everyone from countries and culture diversity. This gives them uncountable opportunities to be contributing factor influencing built up social relationship with their chiefs and colleagues, which provide gradually them to be comfortable workplaces.

On the other hand, I still belive that developing social life with people who is not co-wokers. To begin with, when they work with their fellows lead to decline producivity, which would result in unsedesirable outcomes, due to they will lack of innovative mentality. Additionally, people can have various chance to acquire numbers of new valuable experiences and skills if they socialize with people who are not their familiar colleagues. As a result, those individuals can possess a golden selling point to enter the rising competitive job market, which enables them to move up the career ladder and earn a more lucrative living.

In brief, entering a job helps people both income and social life. But I always believe that promoting social life with people who work outside office is right choice.

Word count: 314

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15347  
May 26, 2017   #2
Anhphong, the essay is very confusing to read. There is a lack of proper representation of the two argumentative sides prior to your introduction of your opinion in the opening statement. This is the most critical point of your essay as this is where you are expected to outline your upcoming discussion and you failed to properly do that. The discussions that you presented also tend to veer away from the original conversation and insert other non-related information. Specifically in paragraph 2. Paragraph 3 is simple impossible to understand. I know that it probably makes sense to you in your vernacular tongue. In English though, the paragraph is heading nowhere. It is neither here nor there in its idea presentation.These problems with your discussion are what led to your overall score of 4. That is based upon my assessment of your work, inclusive of the grammar, punctuation, lexical, as well as cohesiveness and cohesion considerations.


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