Unanswered [5] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
 DrAfT!
Home / Writing Feedback   3

Keep Senior Citizens Away From Cars


LA3
3/19/2014
Satire Assignment

Senior Citizens

As a boy, I was always taught to respect my elders. This tradition was passed down generation to generation in my family. However, (little did I know that) behind this respected moral lied a dark secret. As men and women age, they lose their mind and motor skills causing them to turn into senior citizens. Now, by themselves, senior citizens are harmless. However, the moment they stepped inside their Cadillac, they become the biggest danger to society.

Growing up, I've seen stuff happen where I lived. One thing I'll never forget was the time I almost got hit by a senior citizen pulling out in the Walmart parking lot. From that day onward, I've kept a close on grandma and grandpa (and any other senior citizen) nearby. So please do the world a favor and keep senior citizens away from cars.

Author's Note: I personally have nothing against old people. This is just a satire I wrote for class.

Dear Mr-jaggers
I believe, you have done a good job. However, if you allow me to give some suggestions, I would like to mention below point.

(1) However, (little did I know that) behind this respected moral lied a dark secret....Instead of writing it as a dark secret, I think it should be reworded as, " Behind this respected moral, there is a negative attribute associated with the elder's behavior. For Instance, As men and women are "aged", they lose their mind and motor skills causing them to turn into senior citizens.
Apr 10, 2014   #3
This tradition was passed down from generation to generation in my family.
However, (little did I know that) behind this respected moral tradition lied a dark secret

As men and women age, they lose their mind and motor skills causing them to turn into senior citizens. Now, by themselves, senior citizens are harmless

Well, these two lines are pretty confusing for me. I think you need to rephrase them to deliver your idea more clearly :(


Home / Writing Feedback / Keep Senior Citizens Away From Cars