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Keeping cool - Essay revise


aysha 7 / 1  
Dec 28, 2006   #1
Keeping cool (in any sense) Essay.

As I stood at the bus stop rays of sunlight bathed my face. Tiredness overwhelmed me and my throat felt parched. I hurriedly downed a bottle of water and wiped my sweating forehead. It was summer time.

Everywhere there laid a dismal picture because of the intense heat. Afternoons are lonely and quite. Nothing stirred. It was as if god had pressed the mute button of the people's remote control. This is an ordeal for us and we all try to tackle it by fitting air conditioners in our homes and offices. Nevertheless, people also drink beverages to keep themselves cool and to prevent dehydration. The clothes which they wear are thin just enough to cover their bodies.

The intense heat provides a clue to the condition of the people on the road. The traffic is bumper to bumper. The faces of the impatient drivers and chauffeurs are filled with frustration and red angry looking spots. They fight on a slightest excuse, but now people have air conditioners installed in their cars and they can wait for a long time before the traffic gets clear. In this way, everyone remains cool and the hot temperamental changes of moods remains perpetual. The day gets along like this.

The miserable children who are returning from school by walking home are greatly prone to the rays of sunlight. With blackened and bleeding lips, they suffer agonizing thirst. On reaching home, they immediately take a bath and cool themselves down and maintain the homeostatic control of the body.

Fashion changes with season and with the advent of summer the fashion of keeping short haircuts becomes common. Men of course do have a haircut but women especially go for short haircuts. In this way they think that they look cool. New varieties of cotton clothes are introduced in the market according to the fashion of time. The shopkeepers and market owners are at an advantage because many people buy these clothes. Most of them wear light colors because it makes them feel cool.

The favourite hangouts and recreational places which people visit to keep cool are the mountainous and hilly areas where the temperature is comparatively cooler. So this is how they live through the summers and enjoy them a great deal. I think these are the best ways to keep cool.

As I stood at the bus stop rays of sunlight bathed my face. Tiredness overwhelmed me and my throat felt parched. I hurriedly downed a bottle of water and wiped my sweating forehead. It was summer time.

Everywhere there laid a dismal picture because of the intense heat. Afternoons are lonely and quite. Nothing stirred. It was as if god had pressed the mute button of the people's remote control. This is an ordeal for us and we all try to tackle it by fitting air conditioners in our homes and offices. Nevertheless, people also drink beverages to keep themselves cool and to prevent dehydration. The clothes which they wear are thin just enough to cover their bodies.

The intense heat provides a clue to the condition of the people on the road. The traffic is bumper to bumper. The faces of the impatient drivers and chauffeurs are filled with frustration and red angry looking spots. They fight on a slightest excuse, but now people have air conditioners installed in their cars and they can wait for a long time before the traffic gets clear. In this way, everyone remains cool and the hot temperamental changes of moods remains perpetual. The day gets along like this.

The miserable children who are returning from school by walking home are greatly prone to the rays of sunlight. With blackened and bleeding lips, they suffer agonizing thirst. On reaching home, they immediately take a bath and cool themselves down and maintain the homeostatic control of the body.

Fashion changes with season and with the advent of summer the fashion of keeping short haircuts becomes common. Men of course do have a haircut but women especially go for short haircuts. In this way they think that they look cool. New varieties of cotton clothes are introduced in the market according to the fashion of time. The shopkeepers and market owners are at an advantage because many people buy these clothes. Most of them wear light colors because it makes them feel cool.

The favourite hangouts and recreational places which people visit to keep cool are the mountainous and hilly areas where the temperature is comparatively cooler. So this is how they live through the summers and enjoy them a great deal. I think these are the best ways to keep cool.

Note:this essay comprise of 40 marks.please check this essay, rectify it and give me marks on it. please do give marks because it is very important for me. i need an answer soon because i have to submit this essay tommorrow. i'll be very thankful if you help me.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Dec 28, 2006   #2
Greetings!

I like the way you begin with your own personal reaction to the heat. Your description in the opening is very good! However, you don't really keep this tone going throughout the essay. When you say "With blackened and bleeding lips, they suffer agonizing thirst" this is an intense description that really paints a picture for the reader. But your next sentence sounds like a passage from a medical textbook: "On reaching home, they immediately take a bath and cool themselves down and maintain the homeostatic control of the body." Try using the same type of descriptive prose, like this: "On reaching home, they hurry to plunge into the inviting coolness of a soothing bath, letting the water splash away the memory of unrelenting heat." Do you see the difference? :-)

Because you are creating a descriptive picture of the heat's effect, I'd wait until the end to talk about the ways people cool themselves down. For instance, in your second paragraph, you bring in the air conditioners and beverages. Consider keeping things like this until the end, then injecting a bit of hope into the heat-scourged landscape: "The people do what little they can to relieve the suffocating demon that is summer in [name of where this takes place]. With sighs of relief they install air conditioners that keep the monster outside their homes and offices; they pour iced beverages down their scorched throats, and slip into clothing that is as thin as modesty will allow. When possible, they escape to the mountains, where cooling breezes provide relief, if only for a week or two."

You can use your own words, of course, but what I'm trying to get across is that you have created a very effective atmosphere in your opening lines, and I think you should carry that tone through the entire essay, to make it have greater impact.

A couple of other suggestions:

Something that new writers commonly struggle with is tense. Your essay flips back and forth between present tense and past tense. For example: "Afternoons are lonely and quite [you mean "quiet"]." That's present tense. "Nothing stirred." That's past tense. Pick one tense or the other and stick with it.

"As I stood at the bus stop rays of sunlight bathed my face." - put a comma after "stop."

"Everywhere there laid a dismal picture because of the intense heat." This is a bit awkward. How about, "The intense heat covered the city in a dismal blanket of oppression" or something like that.

"god had pressed the mute button" - Say "God."

I'm not sure how to give you marks; your teacher will have his or her own method for that. But I think if you can incorporate some of these suggestions, your overall marks will improve. :-))

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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