WRITING SCORING #4 CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 TASK 2
Nowadays, there are many kinds of foods that attract attention people especially children to buy it. It was proven in my previous school, in the canteen, this day sells meals that have more types than in the past. Unfortunately, some of the food stalls contain unhealthy meals that often disturb their study process. So, I think it is important for students to consume good food, even school must be selective to the quality of snacks especially that sold inside the school.
To start with, children must have self-awareness for keeping their own health. I am sure that students already know that consuming hygiene meals is more important than just a tasteful one. That is because they need a lot of nutritions that will help them to be more concentrate in the classrooms, being strong when sleep overnight for assignment purposes, also stay focus when they obey the cleanness, substance, even the ingredients of their daily consumption, it will causes many diseases like cough, stomachache, diarrhea, and others. Furthermore, they will absent from class in a few days, make them lost of topic that given by teachers that day.
So, to reduce that problem, school must have responsibility to investigate all kind of meals that usually sold in the canteen. For instance, they can create some rules maybe all sellers must have certificate from Ministry of Health, or all food must not contain any dangerous substance, even sometimes investigation can be done without any information before, and if school see any harmful ingredients, the shops will get punishment. However, if the seller still obey the rules, school can break their permission for selling the food again in the canteen.
To conclude that, one of the most important thing for creating effective learning process in the school is the students should be healthy that resulted from their food that they eat. Moreover, school also become the main supporting system for providing hygiene, clean, also healthy food for the children.
First of all, you should present the brief/issue of the writing task so that the reader can assess your essay contextually.
I like the essay idea. It is consistent through the essay, showing that schools should be supervising the food stalls in their canteen to promote more efficient learning process.
Here are some suggestions:
1st Paragraph
- ... to consume good food, even(. Therefore/Hence,) school must be...
2nd Paragraph
- ... concentrate in the classrooms, being strong when sleep overnight for assignment purposes, also stay focus when (...) their daily consumption, it will causes many ...
i think that this sentence is too long, makes it hard to understand. You should separate them and add conjunctions, ex: in addition, furthermore, etc. Also add some contextual when you are at it to make it easier to understand.
3rd Paragraph
- ... from Ministry of Health, or all food must (...) substance, even(dot/stop) sometimes investigation can ...
again, you repeated the elongated sentence. There will be a plus point if you successfully execute a complex sentence. However, If you did it incorrectly, this will be a boomerang for you. That is because the reader will have a hard time to understand your essay, which means they had to read it over.
4th Paragraph
- ... is the students should be healthy that resulted from their food that they eat.
I am not sure with the red marked part. I prefer if you put it this way
"..is the students should be healthy. One of the important aspect is to eat healthier food. Therefore, school... the main supporting system along side with the Ministry of Health to provide..."
Hi Faiz, for this specific essay, it is not enough for you to just write Cambridge Book number, it would help if you include the title or the prompt, this will ensure that the reviews you are getting are accurate and you will be able to strengthen your essay even further.
Having said that, I have a few insights to help.
1st paragraph
- ... of foods that attract the attention of people especially
- It wasThis has been proven in my previous school,
- in the canteen, this day sellsthey sell more meals
- that have more types than in the pastbefore .
- ... the food stalls containsell unhealthy meals
- that often disturb theirresults to distraction of the study process.
- SoTherefore , I think it is important
- even the school officials must be selective
- especially the ones that are sold inside the school.
There you have it Faiz, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance, do let us know, we are here for you.
Hallo... @faizuna.. here some notes for you. I hope it helps..
1. Where your question? You should put you question there.. even some of people in Essay Forum know the question, you should put there.
2. Continue to the content
INTRODUCTION
SoTHUS, (more formal) I think it is important for students (...) school must be selectiveSELECTED to the quality of ...
YOU CAN PUT THAT EXAMPLE IN YOUR BODY NOT YOUR INTRODUCTION
in introduction you just :
Paraphrase the idea about the question
Answer the question
However, in my opinion you have not answer all of the question..
The questions ask you that a healthy meal will make student learnt effectively. How true this statement? Who people that have responsibility to provide children food?
First of all, you have not clear to paraphrase the question.. it is no to the point. You should talk about health food for learn effectively not put your story and told about food stalls and many others. All in all, i think you have not success paraphrase the questions.
Secondly, where is you answer about how true this statement? You should put statement, this is true /not or this notion is true and those continue with the reasons why it was true or not?
Thirdly, You have answer the second question although there is a mistake in usage of cohesive device. It should not even, but Furthermore..
I hope it helps.. keep writing and good luck
Hello, i will give suggestion:
Be careful preposition and article using:
1st Paragraph
to consume good food, even (Therefore/Hence,) school must be...
- ... of foods that attract the attentionof people especially
So (Therefore), I think it (...), even(the) school must be ...
