IELTS - land degradation problem. Some causes which negatively affect the fertility of lands

The two charts show the reasons of land degradation and the percentage of each reason in three different regions in the world.

It could be found that over-grazing has the biggest impact on land productivity loss compared with other factors. Lands in Europe see the highest degree of degradation up to 23%.

Three main causes negatively affect the fertility of lands all over the world. Among these, over-grazing accounts for 35% of total lands which become barren. It is followed by deforestation causing 30% and over-cultivation responsible for 28%. The rest 7% of land degradation results from other reasons.

When it comes to the situation by region, least lands become degraded in North America with only 5%. The major problem in that area is over-cultivation, contributing 3.3% in total 5%. Deforestation could be ignored in North America by only 0.2% while it is the major factor in Europe and 9.8% of degradation comes from it. The two factors do not have considerable influence in Oceania where 11.3% out of total 13% of the problem is due to over-grazing.

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Yao, instead of separating these sentences:

- The two charts show the reasons of land degradation and the percentage of each reason in three different regions in the world.

- It could be found that over-grazing has the biggest impact on land productivity loss compared with other factors. Lands in Europe see the highest degree of degradation up to 23%.

It is better for you to combine it. This because you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only one sentence and two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented.

Just bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

On the other hand, your first body and second body paragraph was already well-written. That was very informative and clear. Perhaps the thing that you need to improve is how the way you use wide range of vocabularies, because I still saw some repetitions there, such as degradation 3times, major (twice), deforestation (twice).

Good luck for the next posts :)