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Leaders that had effect on the world


zaid_86 2 / 4  
Nov 9, 2010   #1
please give me a feedback about this assay, I know there are some dictating mistakes in it since its my first time writing a practice assay for the TOEFL exam, but I wanted to post it as I wrote it in the practice test :

Q: write about one of the leaders that had effect on the world...

King Al-Hussain ben Talal was the king of the Hashemite kingdom of Jordan from the middle of the 1900s until the beginning of the 1990s. During the time he was the king of jordan he made a great achievements and contributions in his country and the middle east region as a whole.

When he became a king, their was many social and political problems that encounter Jordan, the most important issue was the crisis between the arab countries and Israel, the two parties was in a state of war, as a result there were a large number of palestenians that had lost their homes in the war. King Hussain welcomed the palestenian refugees to Jordan, and allow them to live and work freely by giving them rights almost equally to the jordanians.

In addition, he made a significant ecomonical improvements, resulting in a lowering the prices on the goods and products for the citizens, and making the jordan dinar currency rate increasing continously in 1980s, thus, the poor percentage has been decreased in the jordanian community. This period of time was called the "golden period of jordan". He also encouraged education strongly, by founding "the university of Jordan" which was the first university in the modern Jordan history, from which many jordanian entrepreneurs had graduated.

Moreover, king Hussain was a very diplomatic leader who made a friendly relationships with all neighbour countries, including the former enemy of the Jordan "Israel". he has made a treaty with the Israelean side that ended the state of war between the two countries. Also he made a good relationships with most westren countries including the united states and european countries.

Until the end of his life King Hussain's most important consideration was the jordanian people and how to improve their life in every aspect possible.
pshizz 2 / 4  
Nov 9, 2010   #2
When he became a king, their was many social and political problems that encounter Jordan, the most important issue was the crisis between the arab countries and Israel, the two parties was in a state of war, as a result there were a large number of palestenians that had lost their homes in the war.

This sentence is way too long and confusing. Try to break it up to 2 or maybe even 3 separate sentences to make things clearer and easier to understand.
OP zaid_86 2 / 4  
Nov 13, 2010   #3
Thank you for your feedback.
can you give me your overall evaluation about my assay?
smiley001 2 / 5  
Nov 13, 2010   #4
jordan dinar currency rate increasing continously in 1980s, thus, the poor percentage has been decreased in the jordanian community. CONF. ReWord.
[the University of Jordan]

[have]graduated

essay needs more elaboration.

Check Spelling. Proper capitalization. Needs coherence (transition words, subordinate and coordinating conjunctions will help you with that)

Good luck.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 18, 2010   #5
Capitalize: During the time he was the king of Jordan he made a great achievements and contributions in his country and the Middle East region as a whole.

When he became a king, their was were many social and political problems that encounter Jordan encountered, and the most important...

In addition, he made [s]a significant econo mical improvements, resulting in a lowering of the prices on the goods and products for the citizens, and ...

The essay has great structure, because each paragraph is about a different idea. They all support the main idea of the essay, which is this:

King Hussain's most important consideration was the Jordanian people and how to improve their life lives in every aspect possible.

:-)


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