Leaders in my life (16 years so far)

CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD TAKE OUT OR ADD TO THIS ESSAY. IT CAN ONLY BE 100-150 WORDS SO I CANT ADD MUCH MORE.

THANX

Through my sixteen years of living, I have encountered various leaders. However, none has influenced me quite like my father, Donald Isler. Many people might argue that your father is your average role model, but my father is nothing like the average. My father taught me to strive for the best, and anything worth having is worth working for. He has always stressed the importance of getting a good education. He regularly tells me, "Without an education, you have nothing." I have withheld these words with me threw all of my education. I admire my father not only for his actions, but more of what he represents, a strong father/husband.

In this passage you contradict yourself accidentally. In fact, the average father teaches just these lessons.


I would hope that you have held these words in your heart through all of your education.


You can take out the whole first sentence as well as extra words in other sentences in order to tell us at least one thing that makes your father not the average father. If you can't do that, then you have to rewrite the essay to say that he is the average father and that's a very useful thing to be.

^I agree with Simone's comments. All of them are incredibly valid points.

Through my sixteen years of living, I have encountered various leaders.
^Such as? Perhaps, you can remove this sentence. It does not serve any useful purpose.

However, none has influenced me quite like my father, Donald Isler.
^no 'one'

Many people might argue that your father is your average role model, but my father is nothing like the average.
^My father? MY FATHER? Dont bring him into this :P

My father taught me to strive for the best, and anything worth having is worth working for.
^Yea, Simone is right. Most fathers do give this advice. That would make it, the 'average' thing for a father to do.

He has always stressed the importance of getting a good education. He regularly tells me, "Without an education, you have nothing."
^
I doubt most fathers say otherwise.

I have withheld these words with me threw all of my education. I admire my father not only for his actions, but more of what he represents, a strong father/husband.

^Is he your father, and your husband? lool
Does just giving regular parental advice make him, a 'strong' father.

What exactly is the essay question?

Who has influented me the most in my life

So, then, there's no need to claim that your father is a leader or in any way different than other fathers. You can concentrate on describing his characteristics and stating how he has influenced you.

In other words, you can take out pretty much everything you have at the moment. Start again, this time trying to focus more on answering the prompt very specifically. Before you begin your new draft, why don't you try imagining how you would be different from who you are now if you had grown up without your father. That might help you to identify the most important ways your father has influenced you.

i think one of the best way to wirit a good essay is reding lots of essay related to your topic.you can search in network or search in a library.

it's my opinion that a good musican should hear lots of music and a good photographer should watch lots of photos that other took before.

it's look like a writer.
now try to read more and more.

That's good advice, Ahmad.