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Leisure time among different age groups - elderly people rarely undertake any sports or exercises


rahmat248 7 / 7  
Apr 6, 2016   #1
The bar graph illustrate about uses of leisure time among different age groups and is measured in minutes per weekend day. Overall, it can be seen that, sports and exercise is the popular activities in leisure time undertake by people in 20-65 years old.

People in age of 20-65 spend their leisure time for sport and exercise 120 minutes per weekend and it is the highest activity. However, in age 66+, people only undertake sports and exercise 20 minutes per weekend. Furthermore, computer become favorite activity for teenager. It is done by people in 75 minutes per weekend. In contrast, for people in the age of 20-65 and 66+, computer not really interesting activity for them.

Turning to reading, it become favorite activities for old people. they spend 60 minutes per weekend for reading. Interestingly, reading is spent by teenager only 5 minutes per weekend and it is the lowest activity that people in age of 13-19 doing.
wahyu 16 / 28 1  
Apr 6, 2016   #2
Good morning bro rahmat, your essay is not really good, i have advice to your introduction paragraph.

you could use this pattern :
1. Reserve some of the information, paraphrase and use some synonyms.
2. Overview the information

I hope that you pay more attention to s + v agreement and make read a comparing data. it will improve your band score.

The bar graph illustrate illustrates about uses of leisure time ...
Overall, it can be seen that, sports and exercise is are the popular activities in ...

my example :
A breakdown of number of using leisure time among different age groups and is measured in minutes per weekend day is depicted in the bar graph. Overall, it can be seen that sports and exercise are the popular activities in leisure time undertaken by people in 20-65 years old, while another activity is ........................
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Apr 6, 2016   #3
Hi Rahmat, as I always remind students and writers alike, on writing an analysis, make sure that before posting, include the graph, the diagram or whatever illustration that is relevant to the analysis.

Moving forward, I would like to share the following suggestions to enhance your essay and as I don't have the basis for the analysis, I will base this suggestions on the rules of the language.

- The bar graph illustrates
- aboutthe uses of
- weekend day( weekend is a "day" in itself ) . - isare ( mind your tenses ) the popular
- activities in leisure timebeing undertaken by people

- computer is not really
- an interesting activity for them.

- Turning to reading, it becomebecame a
- favorite activitiesactivity for old people.
- 13-19 is doing.

Well Rahmat, there's a few minor enhancements needed and overall, it's a fairly written analysis.
Mimi07 9 / 15 2  
Apr 17, 2016   #4
Hi Rahmat, i will give you some suggestion

it can be seen that, sports and exercise is the popular activities
You don't need to put coma after 'that'

In the second and thir paragraph you don't need try to mention all of the number, it's better to give more interesting data.

in age 66+ -->> in the age 66 or more


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