Good morning bro rahmat, your essay is not really good, i have advice to your introduction paragraph.
you could use this pattern :
1. Reserve some of the information, paraphrase and use some synonyms.
2. Overview the information
I hope that you pay more attention to s + v agreement and make read a comparing data. it will improve your band score.
The bar graph illustrate illustrates about uses of leisure time ...
Overall, it can be seen that, sports and exercise is are the popular activities in ...
my example :
A breakdown of number of using leisure time among different age groups and is measured in minutes per weekend day is depicted in the bar graph. Overall, it can be seen that sports and exercise are the popular activities in leisure time undertaken by people in 20-65 years old, while another activity is ........................