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O level narrative:an attempt to help led to unexpected consequences for the helper.


Chim Can Cook 10 / 23  
Jan 26, 2011   #1
Write about an occasion when an attempt to help led to unexpected consequences for the helper.

Cook woke up and found himself lying in the corner of a valley. As he looked around, he realized that his body was full of blood which seemed to come out from a deep wound in his thigh. "Where am I?" he asked himself. As the wound got worse, he felt dizzy, and could not think of any reasons why he was there. "I need to go to the hospital first", he thought, "but where is my motorbike?" At the reminder of the motorbike, he was able to recall what had happened.

It was a sun-splashed afternoon when he decided to try out his newly-bought motorcycle. "It's worth having spent one billion for this latest Dylan", he thought while he was enjoying the feeling of racing off down the road. When he turned at the corner of this BR desert street, a young lady with a worried expression on her face came running to him for help.

"Could you please take me to the PS hospital, my mother is dying", she said in baited breath.
"I received the news just now. But I couldn't get a taxi.", she choked in anxiety.
"Could you please...?", she continued as her tears started to well up her eyes.
Being a sentimental young man, Cook could not help looking at that unfortunate woman. Sympathy flooded him. "What a pity lady!". In a hurried manner, Cook helped the woman get on the motorbike, and sped up towards the hospital.

As they reached the church, which were only a short distance from the hospital, the lady asked him to turn right, which was the opposite direction.

He questioned in surprise" Maybe you are too anxious that you forgot the road already. The hospital is..."
Did not wait for Cook to complete his sentences, the spiteful girl had already drawn out the knife and pressed it against his back." Shut up and drive!"

It was too late for Cook to acknowledge that he had been fell into the trap of a sly ogre.
Trembling with fright, he stuttered" W-w-who a-a-are y-you? W-w-where a-are w-we g-going now?
"Shut up and drive. Did you hear me? Stop only when I told you to", she replied with a malicious smile behind his back.

They drove for a little while until they were stopped by two other gangsters on a THK1 motorcycle. Seeing that three of them were a gang, Cook intended to fight against and escape. Nonetheless, before Cook could even raise his fist, one of the two, as quick as a cricket, gave him a shot in his thigh. Cook fell on his back with all fours in the air onto the ground. As he laid half-conscious, he heard them.

"Drag this stupid grit into the valley over there, then we leave." demanded a hoarse voice.
Not until he woke up, had he known anything else.

Cook was now blaming himself of his stupidity." I would have known that she lied. Never listen to strangers. How many times did mother say that to me? Am I duller than a kid?"

"Aghhhhhhhhhhhh. I am so stupid". He shouted in regret and pain.

This essay is due on this Friday, please help.
Can you rank me upon 100? Am I able to get 70?
All comments and corrections are much appreciated.
Thank you.
EF_Susan - / 2364 12  
Jan 29, 2011   #2
Cook woke up and found himself lying in the corner of a valley. --I like this very interesting first sentence.

It was a sun-splashed afternoon when he decided to try out his newly-bought motorcycle.----very good writing, very rhythmic!

When you do dialogue,use a comma:
He questioned in surprise, "Maybe you are...

Did not Not waiting for Cook to complete his sentence , the spiteful girl had already

Use a comma instead of a period:
"Drag this stupid grit into the valley over there, then we leave, " demanded a hoarse voice.

so stupid," h e shouted in regret and pain.

Thanks for sharing this great story!


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