Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

My life in the United States. I need help with my college essay.


Plexus 1 / -  
Jul 30, 2017   #1

In pursue of American dream



I left my mother, my friends and my Ben 10 bike for the American dream. It was Monday March 28, 2011, when me, my brother, sister and step-mother were scheduled to depart from the international airport of Lomé. This day has long been awaited. For months prior, the family had to go to the American Embassy numerous times, other government agencies and medical centers to get everything in order for our departure. All the hard work and money spent, now seemed worth it. At 1:30 PM, we headed for the airport. Traveling with us was my birth mother; the best of my world and the guardian angel of the universe. It was very hot with the temperature reaching 90's and partly cloudy, but even in the most humid of days, there was no rain in sight. When our taxi arrived at the airport, rain drizzled from my mother's eyes, yet she managed to keep her eyes from unleashing a rain storm. We spent a while at the gate before heading into the terminal. At the gate, my mother didn't mention our inevitable separation; instead she talked to me and my brother about our future. She told us not to be sad because not only are we going to the land of opportunities, but were heading to the city that never sleeps and yet fulfill many dreams. For a quick moment we all stood there, my mother holding back tears to show positivity and my brother and I doing the same to show that our last act will be to listen. In the midst of sadness, the announcer announced our plane will take off soon. The time had come. I hugged my mother and slowly I walked away, never looked backed. My step mother stayed back to converse with my biological mother, what the talked about, I never asked, and I prefer to keep a mystery from my past. My siblings and I head to the plane, and I immediately was awe by the size of the plane. My step-mother joined as we entered the plane. For the next 11 hours I slept, woke up and slept again while dreaming about what lies ahead.

On March 29 2011, our Delta flight arrived at the JFK international airport. For an hour and a half, we worked our way through TSA security. When we arrived I was basically dreaming of downtown Manhattan; the image I see on the TV when watching American movies. My dream, however, is just that, a dream. We exit the airport my father picked us up in a van and to us "home." Our home was in the Bronx, also known as, "the boogie down Bronx." My eyes were not greeted with heaven reaching skyscrapers, but instead with low rise complexes in one of the poorest district of the county. Nevertheless, with just a few minutes to comprehend the situation, I quickly remembered my mother's advice and moved to think about the positives.

The first thing my father did the next day after our arrival was to take me and my sibling to the library. We got basic language books and at least 45 minutes sessions on the library computers; and the best part of all, everything was free. I played Cool math games, even though I don't really like math and got books from the Magic Tree House Series. My favorite is book #21 "Civil War on Sunday". This is the first time I learned about the American civil war and got me even more interested in history. So, my life in the United States is not what I was expecting, but I am deeply grateful for the opportunities the nation provides. Now I only have one task to complete; seize the opportunities and never let go!

Holt [Contributor] - / 7,860 2148  
Jul 31, 2017   #2
Baki, the essay you wrote does not accurately detail the American Dream that you are pursuing. This is simply an autobiography of your life up to this point. The "American Dream" as you aptly put it, must discuss your life after you arrived in the United States. How you settled in, what your dreams are for your future, what obstacles are in your path, and how you have managed to overcome these in order to get to this point in pursuit of the dream. That is the general idea behind writing an "American Dream" essay. However, since this is for a college application, you should make sure that your essay is responding to the prompt requirement in the most accurate way possible. Since you did not provide the instructions for writing the college application essay with your written work, it is impossible to determine if you are within the required parameters of the application essay. Unfortunately, contributors are limited to only one free advice, per essay, per thread. If you wish to continue receiving advice for this essay, please contact the forum admin in order to make this thread "Urgent". If you do not make this thread "Urgent" all subsequent postings from you in this thread will be deleted as it will be considered multiple threads.


Home / Writing Feedback / My life in the United States. I need help with my college essay.